Forever Contradictions!

Is my mind playing with me? Or am I actually feeling sad?

Last week, I experienced a low feeling down, which I cannot recall letting slip into that level of rock bottom in some time. It is ok not to be ok. With all the answers to so many ways to keep a positive mind and all the explanations running in the back of my mind, there was no way of escaping this melancholy state. 

Looking back at friends who have suffered depression over the years, I questioned what could possibly get one to escape the world under a duvet for days on end? Couldn't they seek help instead of cutting out those who truly cared for them? It was a puzzle I could not quite figure out until I felt it only in small doses.

It seemed like a wire had cut loose in my system, and to reconnect, I had to just go with the feelings that followed. How could I calm a mind full of questions about my future? What am I going to do with my life? In reaching out to friends from different corners of the world and discussing this state of helplessness, I realised this seems to be the case all around. I am certainly not alone in feeling uncertain and dissatisfied. There is an epidemic of mental disorders generally developing across the globe. The pharmaceutical companies must be making a killing and selling a variety of anxiety pills such as Prozac. 

When I realised it was going through the dark, the lows, and the downs, I finally saw the light—boom! This morning, an epiphany and an idea came to mind. It was as bright as the sun shining in the blue sky. The white clouds around were the marks of questions, which were now productive thoughts. There is always an answer, but we have to be in the right state of mind to actually see, feel, and act upon it. 

Although a relatively temporary state personally, it was a revelation as to what those friends through depression must be going through, in a more extended period, reoccurring time after time. When the wire gets loose, the whole system shuts down, the light dims in our mind, the heart sinks, and there is no way out. Any word of consolation or advice not only does not help but also intimidates the person who is not feeling good about themselves already. 

I am lucky to be able to share my genuine emotions and reach out to those who were truly there for me, the friends I consider my family, who have shown their true love over the years. They do not judge, and I can confidently say their advice comes with compassion, understanding and experience. We must place importance on grief; the loss of a dear one, my mother, is still fresh. However, to have accepted it, the comfort of her existence and the chance to see her, feel, and hear her speak no longer exist. She is always here with me, but she is not. This sentiment feels quite different to how I handled my father's death over eight years ago. Somehow I sense she is more distant although I felt pretty close to her and loved her dearly. I cannot help the emotions I am experiencing. Every experience is different, as is every snowflake, as we each are. Time shall heal and perhaps in that, I shall find the answer.  

What happened to the world I grew up in? There is war everywhere, and if there isn't, governments work to solve it. Best to keep out of politics, which is certainly not helping our longing for peace, peace around us as well as within. We all hear and see enough crazy shit going on around the globe. And in hope, we must live. 
Meditation and keeping doing my best is the only way to calm my mind and ground myself. Best in being kinder and more considerate. 

Who said life was easy?! Said No one ever. 



  

What do I want in life?!

Good question we ask ourselves over and over.
Here I was in one blog saying, I'm done with online dating, only two blogs later to write I'm back on it! Haha

Why the fuck not?! It's my life, after all, and I allow myself to change my mind when and if. This does not imply a general flaky attitude, but we live and learn daily. If I was to allow what others think of me to affect the woman inside, the free soul my heart so passionately craves to be, then who am I? A soul roped by the rules of what others bring on to me? A prisoner of my own accord, according to another's rules and regulations?
But why? Why do we allow anyone else to make our rules unless there is a weakness in us, due to life, that drives us to abeyance? A sense of vulnerability. 

Honesty is a virtue I hold on to with all love. How can I feel it for any other if I am not kind to myself? If I do not love and accept myself as I am, then... Who do I expect to? And how can I feel tic, deep love for any other without letting it in first in my body and soul?
Confidence needs to be mastered by letting go of unnecessary thoughts that lead to sadness and depression. Staying focused on constant gratitude for all my blessings helps me stay focused on what really counts: my happiness.

Now, back to online dating ...
In the 'very picky' state I feel at present, there was a recent connection with a guy, half Italian, half American, good age (all relative), fit, naughty but thoughtful, playful with words and with a good understanding of humour, visiting London on his last night. A good connection, one would have thought. Considering all our chats were fun, with a naughty twist and lots of hahas, we arranged a drink in Soho. I make sure to write' no expectations' before the meeting.

However, before leaving the house, I got cold feet! I was long over this game and felt no joy inside. It was hard to explain to my date that I was not ready to venture out on a meeting that I felt would lead nowhere. Well, it was not taken too well, despite my apology for irrationally wanting to cancel the rendezvous. There was no question in my mind; hence, I left it at that. 

There was, however, some fellow with whom we had chatted so amicably. Almost everything the other wrote in the text was followed by a 'ditto' by the other! Anthony is a man full of pizzazz, humour, and old-school manners. He is all in touch with what a woman wants to hear. Mmmm ... The daily chats were going so well that I almost dismissed the chance of meeting. But then, after a while, it was evident we had to meet. 

It is incredible how old experiences can leave a bitter taste of mistrust in one. How many texts does one begin to write, only to delete sentences and rewrite new thoughts? Incidentally, this could change again before the send button is activated. Old scars never seem to go away entirely, no matter how hard one tries to nourish them with ointments; the complete understanding of forgiveness. We may forgive, but as soon as a similar picture comes into view, the hurt, even if momentarily, stains the memory. And that is fine. We are only human, after all. 

For this reason alone, I am taking things slow. One more time, I deleted my online dating profile and let the hands of the Universe direct me to whatever way it may have in store for me. 

On a funny note, Anthony would call. We would laugh at his imitation of me in a slight French accent, mainly when I panicked before our meeting, asking him all kinds of questions... Then, there was a ladies' lunch with friends a few days before where Sally advised me to see her Master (as she put it) for some well-needed acupuncture. Another situation to remember is that I have had numerous calls from landlines for a property search I had put out there. 
So, one morning, a landline number appeared on my mobile. I picked it up to hear the heavy Chinese accent of a man, and I could not make the head out of the tale of what he was saying. Listened to my name, Haldita, and then more Chin-glish is what I can best describe the accent as! The voice was manly, and for a minute, I thought it must be Anthony pulling my leg, so after trying hopelessly to understand the caller's words, I uttered the following while laughing hysterically:
"Anthony, you're so funny, stop!"
But when I heard the man's tone getting angry, thinking surely it could not be an estate agent with such a heavy accent; after all, the Chinese are well-invested in London. It was not until the name Sally popped out that I understood. Oh no! It was the Chinese doctor trying to set me up an appointment! Shoot. I could not have apologised enough while he continued severely and mentioned the word Wednesday. Hallelujah! The next mistake was to ask for his address. He might have spoken Chinese to me as I repeatedly asked again for his postcode. At this stage, the doctor had enough, and he cut me off. The phone went dead. 

Oh well, you win some, and you lose some. I could not bring myself to make another attempt at calling the medicine man and left it at that. Why do people get offended? Mind you, who can blame the man. 

Back to what I want in life. I want to feel love, joy, and peace, and it is up to me to make it happen. Of course, there are plans for the near future, but it is all in the hands of the Universe. 
'Do your best, keep a positive mind, and everything will fall into place as and when. No worries, no rush.' It is what it is. 

Why Waste Time?!

We all know our time is limited. Expand on your boundaries.
How old we are is irrelevant; we could be gone anytime! 

And on that note, I decided to go back to online dating! 
There is this thing 'getting older', and most women, especially past their menopause, get put off men altogether. Of course, this does not apply to all women, but many do.
Dating has taken on a whole new perspective in our new age. When I was growing up, and I still am on that discovery route, it was all about the meeting of the eyes, those flirtatious glances, and body language. Nowadays, everyone is online, especially with the numerous smartphone dating sites. I tried that, too. As of the countless times, my index finger flipped to the left; it went numb! Haha.

So, I soon gave that up. I had told myself to get off the sites and concentrate more on the flirting, but every time I was out, it seemed either people were in their own group or face down, fixed on their phone screens, lit up. 

I may have grown older, but it sure does not mean my libido has evaporated into thin air! For goodness sake, I am a woman with needs, which is normal. Certainly not ready to kill any desire in me and sit aside and watch this womanhood turn into dust or cobwebs as the case may be. Hence, on a hot summer's night (and we have experienced a few in London this year! miracle), the mind played tricks on me and decided to look into some light entertainment; a mix of curiosity and intrigue got the better of me. 

Opened Safari and joined a site, unlike other dating sites, with men carrying more baggage than could fit into a trail of locomotives but something more naughty, yet more genuine. I have learned all the tricks of the trade-in, applying words in a couple of short sentences to attract exactly what my mind desires. In no time, a trail of chats was opening up; some would put a cheeky smile on my lit-up face, and others called for immediate 'blocking'. Now, for a profile with no photo, barely much description, and two short sentences, the attention I got was exciting, to say the least. 

My frankness, without being rude or uncomplicated with genuine honesty, is what gets the right kind of attention. In all frankness, I feel like a woman again! At least I can flirt with words and chat with worldly-educated, open-minded men who appreciate a woman when they read one. Lol. So far, being rightfully picky, there have been no meetings. But there is light at the end of each tunnel. I will keep you posted.

During my summer here, I saw endless arrays of festivals around Europe. I am no expert in that subject, but the two I have attended regularly have been: first, a cosy, super friendly festival of just over a thousand people in Northern UK and the second one happened to be the 'Houghton Festival'. The latter only began last year, curated by Craig Richards, a true master of capturing dancers' souls to flow into his music. Almost every big name in the DJ world appears to play wholeheartedly through the most magnificent sound systems, scattered in a dozen most scenic layouts throughout the impressive green grounds of Houghton Hall in the East of England.

Sis, Hala and I were in our element, feeling the love and dancing to flawless sounds, a form of meditation for us. To leave my body and concentrate on my soul, driven to levels of gratitude and joy. We glamped in a tipi tent, hoping for some dark, tall, handsome, hot-blooded red Indian to attack! Haha. Just kidding. Bet that got your attention diverted. 

My message to you is to count your every second and stop moaning! 
Things can only get better. Make that your mantra.

Happy Haldita x

A Beautiful Death!

I would like to dedicate this blog to my mother, whom I have recently lost.

You may ask, how can death be beautiful? A Beautiful Death? Then read on... This is a letter to my mum, now taken away by the angels above.

Angel was her name, and Angelic was her way of living an inspirational life for all who knew her. The lady was born with beauty, elegance and class. Although class may imply a certain Bourgeoisie, it has always been about being without judgment. That's all. Someone with class would never put another down, be arrogant, or in any way a snob. Not at all. In fact, all those useless, unkind attitudes come from lack of. Titles nor any amount of money could buy class.  

One of the many attributes Angel possessed and taught us by simply being was being kind, compassionate, and loving towards all who crossed her path. An avant-garde woman who thought and behaved well ahead of her time. Throughout my life, I was flattered whenever someone commented on our resemblance. Most women in the room may not come across the same way as their children. It's a fact. 

My Mama taught me to appreciate the beauty of life. Watching her be kind to every human and animal taught me how to see 'the best' throughout my path. It is so liberating to free oneself of all the unnecessary thoughts of anything bothering or hurting you. Let it go. Fuck it. Life ain't worth any of it. 

However, there are two sides to a coin. After Angel's passing, I went through a challenging period of feeling pain, unappreciated, and hurt. It was like I had denied myself questioning or thinking of the moments of despair and disappointment by my mother, who always sat on a pedestal in my mind. 'Should I feel ungrateful and nasty if I see how things were?' Or is it time to face my demons and come out with how my relationship with my mum truly felt to me? Yes, I have a voice. That inner child must speak. I shall get back to that another time. This is a tribute to my mum, but I must mention this as nothing in life is perfect. There are ups and loads of downs, by the look of it. They are the lessons we are here to learn. So, let's get back to where we left off...

Oh, Mum, you left this world with a legacy of love, caring and warmth. This is what every person said at your memorial. The old electrician Ousta Heydar, who had been paying visits to your household from your father's time, told me, with tears pouring down his weathered skin onto his white moustache: "You know my Dear, people like your mother, her father, the great poet and humanitarian and your grandmother; the gentle soul that she was, leave their marks in this world."

Mum's lifetime friends agreed when they commented: "There was not a soul who passed Angel by without being touched by your mum. That you lived your life just the way it pleased you. Did everything you damn well wanted to."

Well, good on you, Mama. 

"My love," Mama would tell me, "Let them say whatever they wish behind you; their judgment doesn't concern you."

When you so elegantly sat behind your Yamaha cream grand piano, with those eternally red-manicured delicate hands, and played those magical notes... how I miss the sound of your music, which caressed every soul. 

Mama, as a child, I watched you put on your makeup... The brown eye shadow arched behind those almond-shaped eyelids, followed by the eyeliner so finely mastered along the lengthy eyelashes. A little blusher powdered on the lifted cheeks. All signed off with the original red lipstick painted on your naturally pouty lips. And dad would appear in his designer suit, looking super elegant, with a big smile across his sunny face. We kissed and hugged goodbye as you left for yet another soirée, at which time we were sent off to bed with our nanny. Just watching you leave was such pure delight. Like the fairytale Cinderella story you used to tell me as a child before going to sleep.

Aaaaah. La Belle Epoque de mon pays. 

I have been so blessed with your love. If I judged you in any way, please forgive me, as I know you will. We do judge our parents at some stage in life. It's part of human nature. May that judgment be harmless either way. 

For a woman who lived a life exactly as she pleased after a stroke, followed by a depression she managed to get over, she would say:

"The world has turned ugly. I've lived a wonderful life and did everything I wanted to, and now, taking all these pills and watching the news today, I've had enough. I want to sleep and not wake up one morning."

And what do you know? That is exactly how she left this world. In her home, surrounded by my siblings, in her bed, with a smile.

The irony of life, even after death here, is that my mum got buried next to my dad! 

Mum divorced Dad twice and never remarried. She was too happy and independent afterwards, and they always stayed on friendly terms. But in private, Angel unintentionally would make an awkward remark about Papa. Oh well, that's understandable. However, about ten days before she departed, Mum called me out of the blue one morning, and it was like she was making a kind of confession. 

She said: " You know something? I was quite spoilt by my wonderful father." 

She went on rightfully praising Grandpa, whom everyone thought highly of, but then, there was me on the other side of the iPhone thinking ... 'well, that's quite a confession, I guess'. I smiled cheekily, but that wasn't it; there was more! So Mum continued:

"Your father was actually a good man!" 

I gently laugh, thinking this sure is a first in a lifetime. 

Could hear Mum smiling too as she went on:

"Yes, your dad was quite a catch! He was a good man if only I wasn't so spoiled. Our marriage could have worked well.

And now buried next to each other. Thank goodness Mum had a great sense of humour. 

I remember putting the phone down and looking up at the sky. My Dear God, it was enlightening to feel you had totally, perhaps forgiven, or simply let go of any kind of stiff feeling towards Dad. I prayed this wouldn't be your last confession and that you would be there when I returned home to visit you. 

But we have no control over what goes on in life. I flew home immediately after hearing the news and went straight to the burial. It was a beautiful spring day; the sun was out, very close loved ones arrived, and I got to feel you, Mama. When the fabric on your face was lifted, everyone took a breath in at the youthful appearance of your peacefully rested eyes, those perfect eyebrows and that smile of contentment. Wow. You're forever in my heart. Nothing will ever change that. 

I believe everyone wishes to live a life of no regret, no guilt, lots of fun and laughter, music, beauty, certainly many amazing friends, and being loved. Only for it all to end independently of all: physically, mentally, and materialistically. To close one's eyes to the world in one go and fly. Literally, fly away. 

Mama, you rest in peace now, knowing you were here to teach love and kindness. No judgment.  

We will always be in touch. Till we meet again. You are and always will be adored. 

Mama, You even made death look beautiful.  

@halditanotes 

  

Dating is overrated!

'A mind stretched by a new experience can never return to its old dimensions' - Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Now, isn't that true? So, what stops us from stretching our minds? Why do we keep repeating the same mistake?

I have had my share of trying out certain online dating apps to find a playmate. Forget about a ... What's the word again?! Oh, yes, relationship. Almost every woman I speak to has, at some stage, even if secretly, looked at or joined an online site, looking for the man of their dream. Realistically, that is what it boils down to. Of course, there are few and far between cases in which it has been a success, but all in all, the stories are disastrous. Too much choice confuses the mind.

One story goes ... Sandra, in her late twenties, goes on a first date with a guy. They settle at a table in a bar, and as she thinks the conversation is going well, he excuses himself from the gents and makes sure he takes his mobile with him. Understandable. Shortly afterwards, as he is walking back to the table, Sandra notices he is fixated on his phone screen, swiping his finger to the left, time after time. He was checking his chances for the next date.

In a world where everything can be provided rapidly at the touch of a finger, it is challenging to attain sustainability. Everything has become a quick fix. The consumption of alcohol and drugs, pharmaceutical or otherwise, does not give way to escapism. It deepens the sore. If you choose to take drugs, let it be under control, in moderation. Then again, the word moderation could easily be misinterpreted for different intakes. Basically, 'if you use it, don't abuse it'.

As for one of my dating experiences in recent years, I met Douglas through an app where women first approach men. We hit it off right from the start, on many levels, as in points of view, humour, and constantly applying the word 'ditto' during our long chats. So, we met on a rare sunny day and sat in the garden, and the sound of laughter between us must have filled the neighbourhood. Hours passed by unnoticed, and he left with both of us feeling uplifted and generally joyous. Great.

However, Douglas, soon after, must have gone through a withdrawal symptom! It is all I can think of. He backed out, and I let it go, realising all this affection could have left him uncertain about his emotions. Only some have the capacity or capability to handle a new experience, a new sentiment they may have yet to feel. Nonetheless, he approached me via text soon after requesting a second chance to explain himself. The Scotsman sounded like a well-balanced man at our first Rendez-Vous, yet his reaction afterwards was nothing less bizarre. Curiosity got the better of me, so I allowed him to explain his odd behaviour, as he had requested. 

Douglas apologised for his actions and expressed his panic, assuming I was looking for a relationship that he was not ready for! 
"Seriously?!" I exclaimed. Which part of anything I said brought that conclusion to mind? I'm barely ever here; I'm constantly travelling. I have a great life as is. I thought I'd made that clear."
Anyway, as we warmed up deep into the conversation once again. A couple of hours passed before ... I honestly have no clue as to what made Douglas literally jump off his seat and repeat the following words:
"Oh! I must leave. I really, really must go. I can't do this! I've got to save my heart."
There was no way of hiding my utter shock, with a je ne sais quoi smile and an inquisitive look implying WTF. Before I could say anything more than... 
"Sure. Be my guest."
The man rushed out of that door like he had seen a ghost! 
Immediately after the door shut behind him, I rolled my eyes up in the air and thought...
'Oh well, here we go again; another one has gone to dust.' He began clearing the champagne flutes. Not much thought is wasted on something I cannot figure out or fix.

And you would think that was the end. Right?! Well, wrong.
Douglas contacted me again months later. I just texted back: 'Haha. It's you again!'
Once more, we met. Yes, again. Third time lucky?! Not. The inquisitive side of my brain took charge. What now?
This time around, he arrived with bottles of champagne and red wine! I barely drink. But he wanted to celebrate his news of moving out of London soon and becoming a grandpa at a relatively early age. 
"It's the least I can do." He added when I thanked him for his generosity. 
Our conversation lasted less than thirty minutes and two sips of champagne before he began fidgeting in his seat, got up, started talking gibberish about his family issues and again, left in the flash of lightning! 
I burst out into laughter behind the closed door, yet astonished. 
Oh well, c'est la vie. Let it go, let it go. 

If I were to continue with the odd meetings people have encountered through dating sites, this blog would never end. This is just the tip of the iceberg. It is not about shutting the door of dating and staying safe inside, but how would we cope if we all went back to the old-fashioned way of meeting someone naturally? What happened to eye contact and flirting? The time when women wanted to compete with men is changing rapidly to finally find a firm societal voice. But has this strength in women weakened the powers of the opposite sex?  

One word of advice for online daters: be wary of fake profiles. Not all are what they seem. For one, I am done with online dating—over and out. 

La Vie en Couleurs!

Now, what's a writer's block?! 
I have felt it for some time and didn't have the will to write. The photos I post on Instagram may give way to a privileged life, but what is our understanding of 'being privileged'? 

Privileges are mainly interpreted by the society we now live in concerning wealth and status. One of the most vital privileges of my growing up was the understanding of equality among mankind. Acceptance of everyone's race or religion and is equally open to all. When I smile, it comes from the heart; when I laugh, it is my soul finding humour. There are plenty of sad facts about the world we face, but we cannot allow it to take away the joie de vivre we all need to get through the worst times. 

I find myself repeating the following phrase over and over again...
'I longed for peace and happiness during many years of turmoil, and I searched for it high and low, from therapy to workshops to nature. Once I found it, there was no letting go. Peace comes from within, and happiness is simply gratitude at all times. And now, every day is pure magic for me! Magic, you hear me.'

Yet, I know well that it is a challenging transformation. 
How people see you at first glance depends upon how they feel. Which would reflect how you feel about yourself at the time. In questioning anyone's behaviour towards me, I diverse my thoughts to the inner self and query my feelings. Oh, I have wisened up immensely in the last few years. Grateful for every experience and being I have encountered in this journey; life is too precious, and every minute spent in peace and harmony is a blessed moment. I do love everyone. Truly do. But the best part of the years, my birth certificate indicates, is learning to let go when need be. Let it go if it is not making me happy, content, smiling, at peace, loved, and capable of loving back. It's best to let it go. Whatever that may be. 'Be courteous, be kind' are in my thoughts, but I do not get involved in dramas; they're of no concern to me.' 

I went home for the Christmas holidays, and on the first night of my arrival, a small group of close friends got in touch for an invite to their gathering. Passing by the friendly Alsatian at the entrance, the host welcomed me with open arms and a few more warm hugs, which was the most gracious way to be greeted... 

Now, to explain the state of my mind at the time, back in London, I had stayed put for six months (in my book, that was a loooong time not to be flying somewhere) while planning to go ahead with a significant change. With an open mind towards the outcome of my decision, I went ahead with the idea. However, the sale did not go through, and my head was filled with the questions of 'What am I gonna do with my life?' or 'I should be working! So many people do.' True, but then 'what am I interested in doing towards earning a living?' 
Then, there were moments of 'Ouffff', so many bloody questions!' And 'What's my answer?' 

Back to the gathering back home, one of the boys, a dear family friend, called me aside a good half hour after my arrival and asked:
"What's going on Haldita? You're not yourself. What's happening?"
I looked at him puzzled and questioned: 
"What do you mean? I'm happy like I normally am. I planned to do a deal in London, but it didn't go through; I pulled out, and here I am. There is nothing wrong."
JJ, my dear friend, also known as Guru amongst friends, wasn't having any of this; he continued:
"You're not fooling me. You're not your usual self. Go think about it, and we'll talk later."

I deflated on the first chair in sight and went deep in thought. Of course, I knew damn well he was right. This writer's block was only due to feeling let down by what I saw happening around me, personally or in the world. Yet, looking deep inside, it went back to the self. What has changed in my life? In a heartbeat, the weight lifted from my shoulders; there was a release, a long breath in and out; of course, I knew the answer. As of a revelation, an awakening, my eyes wide open, I approached JJ and confessed:
"My Dear Darling Friend, my brother, you're spot on! What was that all about?! How could I ever for a second underestimate the power of love I feel inside?"
Then, throwing a kick in the air, these words naturally spread out:
"Fuck this shit! Out with overthinking unnecessarily, bullshit perceptions of things that don't exist. What was I thinking?! Or not thinking."
He smiled cheekily and repeated:
"Now, we're talking! Fuck this shit!" And he kicked his leg up in the air while repeating the same sentence.
JJ continued on:
"Out of all people, Haldita, you know what it's all about."

I have been ever so grateful to JJ for pointing out a simple fact. Life is simple. We all get one go at it, and I choose to make my own rules as I go along. After all, rules are only made by other men and women. N'est-ce-pas? (Don't you think?) But to make your own rules, you have to be fully aware. Why are we here? And how much love and understanding are you capable of handling? 

There was a spark. 'Well, if you're willing to do something about it, stop overthinking.' On the other hand, 'If you don't come up with a solution, then just go ahead and live as you've done. Stay focused, but don't forget to smile like you feel it. Love like you really mean it; love your life.' 

After spending most of the last three months travelling, I am now back in London. I needed to start writing once again, breaking the barrier that had blocked my vision. Out with writer's block, and welcome to the new pages of this blessed life. 

I am not shy to confess it. Thank you. Namaste with a big smile. 

@halditanotes