Good question we ask ourselves over and over.
Here I was in one blog saying, I'm done with online dating, only two blogs later to write I'm back on it! Haha
Why the fuck not?! It's my life, after all, and I allow myself to change my mind when and if. This does not imply a general flaky attitude, but we live and learn daily. If I was to allow what others think of me to affect the woman inside, the free soul my heart so passionately craves to be, then who am I? A soul roped by the rules of what others bring on to me? A prisoner of my own accord, according to another's rules and regulations?
But why? Why do we allow anyone else to make our rules unless there is a weakness in us, due to life, that drives us to abeyance? A sense of vulnerability.
Honesty is a virtue I hold on to with all love. How can I feel it for any other if I am not kind to myself? If I do not love and accept myself as I am, then... Who do I expect to? And how can I feel tic, deep love for any other without letting it in first in my body and soul?
Confidence needs to be mastered by letting go of unnecessary thoughts that lead to sadness and depression. Staying focused on constant gratitude for all my blessings helps me stay focused on what really counts: my happiness.
Now, back to online dating ...
In the 'very picky' state I feel at present, there was a recent connection with a guy, half Italian, half American, good age (all relative), fit, naughty but thoughtful, playful with words and with a good understanding of humour, visiting London on his last night. A good connection, one would have thought. Considering all our chats were fun, with a naughty twist and lots of hahas, we arranged a drink in Soho. I make sure to write' no expectations' before the meeting.
However, before leaving the house, I got cold feet! I was long over this game and felt no joy inside. It was hard to explain to my date that I was not ready to venture out on a meeting that I felt would lead nowhere. Well, it was not taken too well, despite my apology for irrationally wanting to cancel the rendezvous. There was no question in my mind; hence, I left it at that.
There was, however, some fellow with whom we had chatted so amicably. Almost everything the other wrote in the text was followed by a 'ditto' by the other! Anthony is a man full of pizzazz, humour, and old-school manners. He is all in touch with what a woman wants to hear. Mmmm ... The daily chats were going so well that I almost dismissed the chance of meeting. But then, after a while, it was evident we had to meet.
It is incredible how old experiences can leave a bitter taste of mistrust in one. How many texts does one begin to write, only to delete sentences and rewrite new thoughts? Incidentally, this could change again before the send button is activated. Old scars never seem to go away entirely, no matter how hard one tries to nourish them with ointments; the complete understanding of forgiveness. We may forgive, but as soon as a similar picture comes into view, the hurt, even if momentarily, stains the memory. And that is fine. We are only human, after all.
For this reason alone, I am taking things slow. One more time, I deleted my online dating profile and let the hands of the Universe direct me to whatever way it may have in store for me.
On a funny note, Anthony would call. We would laugh at his imitation of me in a slight French accent, mainly when I panicked before our meeting, asking him all kinds of questions... Then, there was a ladies' lunch with friends a few days before where Sally advised me to see her Master (as she put it) for some well-needed acupuncture. Another situation to remember is that I have had numerous calls from landlines for a property search I had put out there.
So, one morning, a landline number appeared on my mobile. I picked it up to hear the heavy Chinese accent of a man, and I could not make the head out of the tale of what he was saying. Listened to my name, Haldita, and then more Chin-glish is what I can best describe the accent as! The voice was manly, and for a minute, I thought it must be Anthony pulling my leg, so after trying hopelessly to understand the caller's words, I uttered the following while laughing hysterically:
"Anthony, you're so funny, stop!"
But when I heard the man's tone getting angry, thinking surely it could not be an estate agent with such a heavy accent; after all, the Chinese are well-invested in London. It was not until the name Sally popped out that I understood. Oh no! It was the Chinese doctor trying to set me up an appointment! Shoot. I could not have apologised enough while he continued severely and mentioned the word Wednesday. Hallelujah! The next mistake was to ask for his address. He might have spoken Chinese to me as I repeatedly asked again for his postcode. At this stage, the doctor had enough, and he cut me off. The phone went dead.
Oh well, you win some, and you lose some. I could not bring myself to make another attempt at calling the medicine man and left it at that. Why do people get offended? Mind you, who can blame the man.
Back to what I want in life. I want to feel love, joy, and peace, and it is up to me to make it happen. Of course, there are plans for the near future, but it is all in the hands of the Universe.
'Do your best, keep a positive mind, and everything will fall into place as and when. No worries, no rush.' It is what it is.
Here I was in one blog saying, I'm done with online dating, only two blogs later to write I'm back on it! Haha
Why the fuck not?! It's my life, after all, and I allow myself to change my mind when and if. This does not imply a general flaky attitude, but we live and learn daily. If I was to allow what others think of me to affect the woman inside, the free soul my heart so passionately craves to be, then who am I? A soul roped by the rules of what others bring on to me? A prisoner of my own accord, according to another's rules and regulations?
But why? Why do we allow anyone else to make our rules unless there is a weakness in us, due to life, that drives us to abeyance? A sense of vulnerability.
Honesty is a virtue I hold on to with all love. How can I feel it for any other if I am not kind to myself? If I do not love and accept myself as I am, then... Who do I expect to? And how can I feel tic, deep love for any other without letting it in first in my body and soul?
Confidence needs to be mastered by letting go of unnecessary thoughts that lead to sadness and depression. Staying focused on constant gratitude for all my blessings helps me stay focused on what really counts: my happiness.
Now, back to online dating ...
In the 'very picky' state I feel at present, there was a recent connection with a guy, half Italian, half American, good age (all relative), fit, naughty but thoughtful, playful with words and with a good understanding of humour, visiting London on his last night. A good connection, one would have thought. Considering all our chats were fun, with a naughty twist and lots of hahas, we arranged a drink in Soho. I make sure to write' no expectations' before the meeting.
However, before leaving the house, I got cold feet! I was long over this game and felt no joy inside. It was hard to explain to my date that I was not ready to venture out on a meeting that I felt would lead nowhere. Well, it was not taken too well, despite my apology for irrationally wanting to cancel the rendezvous. There was no question in my mind; hence, I left it at that.
There was, however, some fellow with whom we had chatted so amicably. Almost everything the other wrote in the text was followed by a 'ditto' by the other! Anthony is a man full of pizzazz, humour, and old-school manners. He is all in touch with what a woman wants to hear. Mmmm ... The daily chats were going so well that I almost dismissed the chance of meeting. But then, after a while, it was evident we had to meet.
It is incredible how old experiences can leave a bitter taste of mistrust in one. How many texts does one begin to write, only to delete sentences and rewrite new thoughts? Incidentally, this could change again before the send button is activated. Old scars never seem to go away entirely, no matter how hard one tries to nourish them with ointments; the complete understanding of forgiveness. We may forgive, but as soon as a similar picture comes into view, the hurt, even if momentarily, stains the memory. And that is fine. We are only human, after all.
For this reason alone, I am taking things slow. One more time, I deleted my online dating profile and let the hands of the Universe direct me to whatever way it may have in store for me.
On a funny note, Anthony would call. We would laugh at his imitation of me in a slight French accent, mainly when I panicked before our meeting, asking him all kinds of questions... Then, there was a ladies' lunch with friends a few days before where Sally advised me to see her Master (as she put it) for some well-needed acupuncture. Another situation to remember is that I have had numerous calls from landlines for a property search I had put out there.
So, one morning, a landline number appeared on my mobile. I picked it up to hear the heavy Chinese accent of a man, and I could not make the head out of the tale of what he was saying. Listened to my name, Haldita, and then more Chin-glish is what I can best describe the accent as! The voice was manly, and for a minute, I thought it must be Anthony pulling my leg, so after trying hopelessly to understand the caller's words, I uttered the following while laughing hysterically:
"Anthony, you're so funny, stop!"
But when I heard the man's tone getting angry, thinking surely it could not be an estate agent with such a heavy accent; after all, the Chinese are well-invested in London. It was not until the name Sally popped out that I understood. Oh no! It was the Chinese doctor trying to set me up an appointment! Shoot. I could not have apologised enough while he continued severely and mentioned the word Wednesday. Hallelujah! The next mistake was to ask for his address. He might have spoken Chinese to me as I repeatedly asked again for his postcode. At this stage, the doctor had enough, and he cut me off. The phone went dead.
Oh well, you win some, and you lose some. I could not bring myself to make another attempt at calling the medicine man and left it at that. Why do people get offended? Mind you, who can blame the man.
Back to what I want in life. I want to feel love, joy, and peace, and it is up to me to make it happen. Of course, there are plans for the near future, but it is all in the hands of the Universe.
'Do your best, keep a positive mind, and everything will fall into place as and when. No worries, no rush.' It is what it is.
