Or in another term... paranoia. Being programmed to doubt and to question constantly. It's healthy to question but it is how well we train our mind to come up with a positive outcome into a matter that could be troubling us, which makes the difference between making ourselves 'right' or 'wrong'.
But... What's right? Wrong? Who's to decide? Who's judging?
It is difficult, when we are down, to begin to think positively. But we can try.
Now... why am I touching this subject? What's happened?
The curiosity that puzzles me at times and is so clear at other moments in time... Is the different behaviour patterns in every single one of us. It's an endless journey into the human brain.
Sometimes, it seems challenging to say words out of context, to make people react in a way that would leave them questioning themselves at how they came up with the answer they did ... Let me explain myself better.
At a newly done-up gastro-pub in Chelsea last week, where I met up with Kristel and Risha for lunch, we did a catch-up on our stories since we last met.
"Certain people make you mad with the way they behave!" Was Risha's comment. She is a gentle soul and my artist friend. Someone she had trusted had let her down.
"But you know we can't change anyone. The time we give to make a person wrong is part of the valuable time we are wasting. Instead, let them go and fill up that space with good thoughts. We only drain ourselves with negative thoughts. Let's simply replace them." I had a point to which Risha nodded in agreement.
As we finished lunch and were about to leave, standing by the door to search for our umbrellas through the pile, the three guys sitting at a table nearby turned their heads towards us and one of them said: "I can tell which country you come from..." And he was right!
Now he didn't realise that I also have a sharp tongue.
"Wow, how did you guess?" I said with my naughty smile, "Don't tell me we have had sex and I have forgotten you!" Oh Oh... In all honesty... I was just kidding! But... Of course, I was. It made us all part with a laugh and no harm was done. Now, you tell me what's so bad about that?!
"I wish," he said jokingly as we left.
I said something funny, he said something funny and that was the end of that.
"By the way," said Kristel as we were walking in the rain with the remainder of the smile on our faces, "he did ask me where you came from when you went to the ladies."
Cute... Haha
We would like to believe that we know so and so, our close friends, our parents, and children but do we fully know ourselves to be hundred per cent sure that we shall behave exactly this way at this time and the other way at another? Well, if your answer is yes to that. Good luck to you!
Life is unpredictable. So, how can we be predictable, living that life?
I recall telling my Ex-husband about a high-powered lady we had met; how cold and detached she seemed to be in most people's eyes.
He answered: "What people don't realise, is that if THEY had been in her place, with her upbringing, her past, her life and what she had gone through to get here, they would be acting in exactly the same way."
I had read about those words, had gone through them in different ways through therapy: 'Everyone has their own ma...', through books and talks: 'We all behave according to the accumulation of our experiences in life'... and lessons learned and re-learned. But it was not quite until that moment that I truly grasped the meaning of those words. That lady had an important role to play since the young age of 19, she had to grow up beyond her years at the speed of light, change herself from a girl living a good, but rather 'ordinary' life (and I mean that only in terms of the big change in destiny) into a powerful woman. To be pin-pointed, judged, and questioned by a whole crowd of people who had no clue as to what was truly going on in that woman's heart and mind. People pretend to be someone they are not in order to impress her. Hearing her words confidently, only to twist them and make her wrong. Of course, one begins to doubt. Unless you carry a transparent shield of protection in front of you, keep mostly to yourself and become, perhaps a little harder? More questioning? How else would you keep sane? How else would you survive?
In fact, I just realised the resemblance of the story to Princess Diana; with a Blessed Soul. Having been writing and thinking of people 'dying', what impact they have in the lives of people close to them, in life and in death, driving through Kensington and having passed in front of Kensington Gardens; where Princess Diana resided, I remembered the only time I saw her in person.
So many years ago... I was wearing a white winter coat with thin black stripes which crossed to make large squares, with a belt tightly fitted and a cloche effect. In a way similar to one I had noticed her wear on the news at ten getting off an aeroplane. As I came to cross the small road coming out of Kensington Gardens, sports, a fancy car approached with two ladies. The driver stopped at the junction to make sure there were no cars passing in order to turn, when I looked at her only to notice Lady Di was looking at me. I became nervous, excited, looked up and crossed the road behind her car as she left.
'You idiot!' I told myself many times after. 'You could have at least smiled back!'
If this would have happened now, I would have at least smiled and blown her a kiss for being so brave. So courageous. So out of that Box. Honest. True to herself and true to everyone who cared to see it. Didn't I ever make her wrong? Yap, guilty. Didn't she make herself wrong at times? Of course, she questioned whether she was doing the 'right' thing or not. Don't I question myself all the time? The point is... she broke free and it was tantalizing, shocking, and exciting to see her transition from a young, shy girl... into a woman of the world, a Queen of Hearts. Lady Diana must have touched more hearts in this world than anyone I can think of. The proof is in the pudding, her sons are making her so proud. She is watching over them.
Back to now... Having had a very late lunch of three courses at yet another Gordon Ramsey restaurant in Camden, I came home to write a totally different tale, I had watched a romantic movie called 'The Houseboat with Sophia Loren (so womanly) and Cary Grant (my hero). For the umpth time, I may add. I was not feeling amorous or anything... Just had different ideas in mind to write about. Alas, it came down to feeling... 'How much longer can I keep up with the courage of not questioning myself into whether I should continue and write.'
'Or should I crush the small talk of being judged or misinterpreted into tiny molecules and throw them into the air, to get lost in the wind.'
Clearly, I shall not stop now. I want to pour my heart out into an open space.
The world is a playground...Everyone knows it as a kid... We simply forget as we grow up.
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