Change your ways... But don't change yourself for anyone

Visiting Shiba one day, I noticed a book she was carrying in the title of 'Who Moved My Cheese?' By Dr Spencer Johnson.

Upon her recommendation, I came across the book facing me, by pure chance, in a book shop.  Despite my 'bizzy' schedule, I read it last week-end. Short and sweet.
'What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?'
'If You Do Not Change, You Can Become Extinct'.

Isn't it amazing how particular words have special meanings at different times in our lives? While at other times, the same words would pass us by without a notice. 
Looking back, I was shy, too much concerned on 'what are other people gonna say?', too afraid to change. Then again, change is not easy. It comes with experience and learning at the lowest feelings of self-pity, for it to get to a point where... It's change or more suffering. People may come our way to help us with the process and equally we would be in their path for the same reason. There is no blame, it is as it is. Yet there are fear of people, fear of change which became a thing of the past as I learned to advance with the time and embrace every different new situation coming my way. When I realised questioning and blaming myself or anyone else would be an utter waste of time, waste of space.

Be happy wherever you are. If you go to work with an attitude of 'I don't wanna be here', it only makes the hours pass slower, while your mood will be down. However, going with your head lifted high, with positive feelings inside, smiling, could make all the difference in creating a happier atmosphere. When you keep following the same routine time after time, it becomes second nature and you see the changes that occur as of the outcome.

'Depending on what you choose to believe,
when you change what you believe,
you change your actions.'
What have I changed? Everything. Well, almost.

It has been a short and rather restful week. Everyone is talking of the Big Royal Wedding. It is estimated; six billion people would be watching, globally. Another holiday of four days! London streets have been almost empty which made driving a joy.The city is blossoming with flowers, spring is here.
Thinking of weddings... Does not make me happy nor sad. Two people beginning a life together.  Making vows which cannot be met at best of times. Still giving it a go.
So why do so many still look for that perfect marriage?

I could be called 'unmarriable' in parts of the world... I am a 'modern woman' after all. My place is anywhere but he kitchen and I like it that way. Part of my 'don't do' list is, housework which includes cooking, most of the time. What is on my mind, comes out openly; not always a good thing but at least it has certain wit attached. This list could carry on but one thing is for sure, I wouldn't want to change for anyone.

Love being yourself.

Chelsea football match in the rain

Well, if I was going to write everything that happened to me since last Sunday, it would boggle my mind. So, let's sum it up... Somewhat. Going back in time...

My alarm this Monday Easter holiday went at 8.45 am.  What engagement could possibly make me wake up so early? The adorable, Chinese masseuse; Nelly with her skilful hands of course.
All cling-filmed... Yap. 'She cling-filmed my body from neck to toe to allow the essential oils to further soften my tanned skin'. It sounds like writing a naughty message to some S&M online dating site. Or is it my wicked mind?

The most exciting part of the holiday week-end was being woken up at 1 pm (to be fair, I did go to bed at 6 am) by the warmth of a glorious day going on outside my window. Torsten called immediately after:
"Are you sleeping?" Said my friend.
"Not any more,"  I replied.
"Good, get ready. You're coming to the Chelsea football match with me today." Torsten said all excited.
The thought alone was exhilarating. And so I agreed without a dispute.

Torsten picked me up and we taxied the short way to the stadium. The clouds were fast approaching and after lunch; served at the restaurant in the vicinity and putting bets on players whose names were double Dutch to me, we headed to our seats on the West side of the stadium. Upon entering the open-air area from the tunnelled indoors, we noticed the heavy rain pouring down on the pitch as well as the players. The game; Chelsea against West Ham had begun.
I got over-excited by the whole experience and uncontrollably told Torsten:
"Ah! Can you feel the testosterones going?"
My friend gave out a cheeky laugh as we settled into our seats.

I suddenly remembered my first visit to the grounds and decided to send my producer 'friend' a text:
'In Chelsea football.  U here?'
He responded promptly:
'Yes. Where are you seated?'
I gave out my seat number but by the time his text arrived, I was well-drawn into the game and all those fit boys running around the very wet pitch.  It was like a wet t-shirt contest, against those muscled-up bodies and running, toned legs passing the ball with such skill and guarding one another in the hunger of a goal.  And Yes.  The first goal came from Chelsea to an uproar of mainly male audience jumping up in joy with their fists up in the air. Bring on Spartacus!  Sounds better than Gladiator.
As the game continued, I laid out a sigh and told Torsten:
"Oh look... They're even better All wet!"
My friend looked at me with a wide smile of disbelief and smiled again.
The game ended with Chelsea 3 to West Ham 0. And miraculously, the rain stopped.

Torsten then accompanied me to Lola's where a handful of friends joined to make the night into a party.  Ernest arrived with Sabrina and Aliya who went on constantly admiring my visible cleavage through the low, white top.
"Now Haldita... Did you go to the football match dressed like this girl?" Was Sabrina's input.
Torsten added before I could answer: "Yes! I was quite surprised when I picked her up and you should've seen my colleague's father's eyes who sat opposite Haldita through lunch, trying to avoid staring at them!"
The funny thing was, I had barely thought about it. After all, they do say... If you have it, flaunt it!

We left Lola's in the early hours of the morning and upon getting back at mine, I managed to spill the boiling tea on myself, seated at the dining table, missing the breasts (thank God), onto my lap in a tracksuit.  But I reacted fast with a cold ten-minute shower and a generous spread of aloe vera from my medicine cabinet, which eased the pain as I went to sleep. Ouch!

Torsten joined me for brunch on Sunday at the Henry Root on Park Walk. As there are always traffic wardens moving around that area, the blackboard sitting outside the restaurant read:
'When I grow up
I wanna be a parking inspector
haha
And on the other side it reads:
'You can be lazy in your head
But don't tell me'
I expressed my delight at the wording to the responsible, dutiful waitress.

Torsten left to his life as I joined Risha and Kristel at Battersea Park to dance to the live Latino music played by the lake, with the pedalo-ers on sight in a park in full spring bloom.
Glorious!

What was great last Sunday after the family lunch, I drove to see my friends at The Phene pub. When I arrived, Aisha and co were about to leave after a long meal, so I sat with Dylan and Kerry for a glass of champagne at the large, now half-empty table, waiting to be cleared. As we were well into our conversation, facing my friends, with my back to the crowd in the outside sitting area, I heard a man's voice asking if the table next to me was taken.
As I turned around to say: "All yours, by all means."
The guy showed a sign of surprise and said: "Haldita!  It's you."
I smiled upon recognition of the friendly smile. It was Dadi who came closer for a warm hug and sat next to me.
"How are you?'  He said. "Last time I saw you was by the river Thames. You were going to a beach party or something."
"Oh yes. I remember. It was five days after my fatal water-skiing accident, whereas I was meant to rest for two to three months, according to the doctor!" I said, with a naughty smile.
Dadi's brother then arrived; Koko. I had probably last seen him some eighteen years earlier. He did not recognise me until I introduced myself.
"You're looking well," Koko exclaimed.
They were meeting a couple whose wife also happened to recognise me as we had dinner with them many years ago when I was married. Isn't it a small world?
The couple left eventually so my new buddies took me to dinner to exchange further stories of our past and present. Another wonderful evening was spent in great company.

Before this gets far too long, Friday was another special day and night, spent in some fabulous company; mainly ladies. Think I shall call it 'My Ladies' Day' in the diary.
From exercise in the park with Risha and Kristel.
To yoga with Bardo, a friend of twenty years.
Facial with the wise Sylvia who has been a loyal and kind friend.
The fabulous girls I met at drinks with Risha later that evening.
And the finale...
A visit to Ernest's home left me astounded by the beauty of its modern architecture. And closely meeting the three ladies; Kelly, Sabrina and Jill. The true Charlie's Angels.
All these 'women of substance' had stories to tell, with a wicked sense of humour.

A very empowering day, spent in fabulous company. Have I written this sentence before?!
Enough now... Need to shower and get ready for the evening's meeting with Fedot, a Russian neighbour. Mmm...

An Invigorating Week-end

In response to a text from a male friend, I wrote:

'What an eventful week-end I had!  Amazing.

He texted back:

'Did you run the marathon over the week-end?'

I answered:

'No!  I was not running The marathon but the experience was as exhilarating. It was a 2-day family wedding! Lol'

Saturday, I woke up to the sound of the alarm going off at 10 a.m.  

Following the very late night at Rosarita's birthday party, it was hard to face the day, but upon drawing back the full, heavy curtains of my boudoir, the sun hit my smile and after a moment of paying gratitude to my dear Lord and blowing him a big kiss in the air, I called on my Girl for a visit to Dez; my good friend and hairdresser.  

My cousin Al's 'big day' had arrived and to see him hand in hand with his beautiful bride, Lara, eased every pain in my feet, from the previous night's dancing in heels and the exhaustion turned into excitement. One by one, members of my father's family arrived in the elegant surroundings of 'the Salon', smartly decorated for the occasion. My uncle and aunts with their siblings were a joy to see again, mostly after many years of separation due to living in different parts of the world. It brought further importance to the meaning 'family' has in our lives. I realized more and more how they were missed and what a happy occasion to rekindle all the good memories and forget any family feuds. Every family have them, in one way or another.  

The ceremony of the registrar, followed by the sit-down dinner was extremely well-organised, the food was delicious and the evening ended with dancing to mixed, world music. I happened to share the table with my family and the Ex and his lovely girlfriend, whom I felt so bad for. But she handled the situation of my family's warm welcome with grace.  And the Ex gave a charming speech. All are very civilized.

On Sunday, another wake-up call to attend the brunch organised by my Uncle Idris and his very special lady, Aunt Orchid at a private reception room for the immediate family of the bride and mainly the groom.  My Darling Girl accompanied me once more to the event.

Three large tables were laid out in another lavish setting.  We sat at the round tables, surrounded by my close relations and went on exchanging emails and personal information and asking the questions missed the night before.  

After lunch, as everyone was playing musical chairs and making further connections, I felt the kiss of my Uncle standing above me, on my head and his right hand on my shoulder.  Without any hesitation, I took his hand in mine.  There was an intense feeling of being loved going through my veins, it felt so Special.  When I looked up in the mirror, standing on the wall opposite  ...  I saw the image of my father looking at me with so much love.  We smiled at each other and as my uncle left my side, tears came flooding down my cheeks.  My father was there looking at me with the warmest of smiles ...  And so was my uncle in person.

My cousins and my aunt came to my side to give me their love and understanding of how I felt as my father was not there with us.  

As I stood up to go to the ladies, I saw my Uncle sitting in his chair and smiling at me, I rushed to his warm embrace and we held one another for a family moment. There was so much love and memories between us that only too much expectation could destroy. He has always been so kind to me and I have all the respect for his wife, whom also I have learned many lessons in 'proper behaviour' from. I whispered in his ear: 

"Dear Uncle, I love you. If I haven't been in touch, it's not because of a lack of love, life happens. You replaced my father. I love you."

How many wonderful people I meet and tell them 'I love you' over and over again. Surely, these words could as easily and often be reminded to family members. Isn't it true?  

And as for my Dear Father, God Bless his loving Soul, he is with me all the time.  In fact, there has not been a moment that I have not thought of him and he has not been by my side. Through his soul, he has guided me towards his family; my family. He has been there during my mourning period and helped me with the idea and courage to begin my new passion for writing this blog. I feel so blessed for the continuation of his love and support. He may not be here in person, but his spirit speaks to me... Loud and Clear.  

Go after your dreams, my Girl 

Exercise and eat well

Speak no evil of anyone

And Be Kind

God Bless You

This bomb-shield heart of mine ... By moi!

This heart has been scarred so many times
Don't you try to throw one more needle at it

It is shielded by the ones thrown before

Space is scarce

Even for the tip of your needle.

An attempt at the translation of an Arabic saying a friend once told me. At the time of listening to the words, my heart sank at the thought of all the pain. But all I can imagine now, as an outcome, is ...
A metal heart, perhaps filled with pins, yet shining through its tough protection of a vibrant sparkle.
It is through the pain, that we are challenged to learn.
So, I wrote my version.

This armoured heart of mine
Is exploding like a grenade

Yet protected by a shield.
The hurt has turned into Love
And the pain to dust
Sprinkled wild and free
Upon the blue sea.
Then into a breeze out of reach
Disappearing on a white sandy beach
Under the scorching sun,
Absorbed by the green leaves
To float free as Oxygen
Filling the lungs
With that fresh air of Freedom.
Freedom to love without prejudice
To cherish the moments gifted to us
Surrounded by loving friends
The acceptance of family values.

And alas the saying...
'Love... Like you've never been hurt before.' 
Not that easy! Is it?

I certainly don't do DULL

Where would I begin?

The mild spring, Thursday evening was an eventful night spent in the wonderful company of Risha. I picked her up to attend an art exhibition in Wimbledon. As we began the route, Risha mentioned:
"My art teacher called to say we won't like the gallery."
 Immediately, I looked at her and said:
"Shall we go and have a drink somewhere closer by instead?"
Risha accepted without hesitation and as we passed by a pub in our neighbourhood, I parked the car and we went straight to the bar. While checking out the place with only a handful of people and not quite the atmosphere we were looking for, we walked out back to the car heading for Zuma.
Finally, settled down at the bar, we did some major catching up, while going through a chewy bowl of fried squid and a couple of cocktails. My dissatisfaction of the squid did not go down too well with the grumpy, busy barman! But he did change it for me.

I was engaged talking to my friend, with my back to the crowd standing all around the bar, when a German gentleman in a suit appeared from behind me. He was besotted by Risha's beauty and began by expressing his admiration for my friend and barely looked my way, except to politely introduce himself. Of course, the name has faded the memory. So bad with names! He then went on to make further introductions to his friends who were surrounding us by now.
I asked the gentlemen if they would entertain my friend, while I go out for a cigarette. Mo, part of the crew, joined me and the conversation swiftly drifted onto the subject of 'writing'. He mentioned the three books he had published in his native language and his passion for the collection of calligraphy. Interesting.

Back on my stool at the bar, the adoration of Risha was intact. The German gentleman asked to see the palm of Risha's hand and as she declined the offer, I brought my left hand forward and asked if my palm could be read. As he seemed oblivious to my existence, I insisted by lifting my hand almost 'in his face' and said: "Please, read mine."
He realized there was no getting away with this so he took my palm in his hand. With an element of surprise, he took a second glance and said:
"Ohhhh!  You're all over the place. You're a handful."
"Well," I said. "Guess... That... I am."
They kindly invited us to join them for dinner at their table which was now ready but Risha had to get home, so we left.

Friday, I was meant to visit Kristine at home to see her collection of leather bracelets at 11 am.  When I called to inform her of my delay, she said:
"No problem. Come any time, I'll make a small lunch as another friend is joining. But I've to leave by quarter to three."
Not so good, because I managed to turn up two hours later. Don't tell me 'take your time'!  Or 'any time' for that matter, coz I will.
After lunch, I took my Girl shopping for an evening dress to wear for the week-end family wedding.

Friday evening arrived fast. The Amanda Wakeley brown, open shoulder and back satin number with the black leather collier came to mind.  So, I wore the dress, with a black, strap sandal and when Robby rang the bell with a taxi outside to leave, I asked if she could come up.
She walked into a noisy entrance of my apartment and passed the living room filled with my Girl's girlfriends having a dinner chez moi and said laughingly:
"I knew you wouldn't be ready Haldita! I just knew it."
Oh dear.  I do have a reputation, I seem to bring the expression 'fashionably late', a new meaning and everyone in my family is so punctual. Well, we all have our faults.
I did have a point here though and tried to explain myself: "Sorry, I know. But I talked to Dylan and he's waiting for Kerry to arrive before leaving and said he's not too hungry. Troy is on his way to get changed and tell us where to meet. I'm not sure where we should head in this situation!"
"Yeah!  Yeah!  Yeah!" Robby responded.
A text arrived on the mobile and Troy told us to meet him at Cafe Bohemian in Soho. So, we headed that way in a black cab and while we sat at our table with Robby and Troy, Dylan arrived hand in hand with Kerry.

After a light dinner, we sat in two pedal bikes ridden by two guys from the Eastern block, who pedaled us through the busy Soho streets, to the Maddox club.  I had been there once before and decided the chichi ambience was not quite to my liking and the place was too packed to move. But this was a special occasion; Rosarita's birthday party at the private room of the club.  She and her hubby, Rory were surrounded by good friends to help celebrate. Robby was not so keen on going but we persuaded her to stay a little longer than she had anticipated.  When I showed her around the crowded, noisy upstairs room, she made up her mind to leave. So, I joined the rest of the gang in the special underground dolled-up dungeon.  As the night proceeded and the level of vodka descended rapidly in the Grey Goose bottle, Troy and I left for the boxed-in, heated smoking area.

Troy told me the story of his recent, 'gone wrong', swinging experience. He went on to say:
"I was at some friends' for a drink last week.  The night went into the early hours of the morning when I decided to leave.  As I was going, this couple offered to share a taxi with me, and although I felt a little uncomfortable, I agreed.  On the way, the guy asked if I'd go back to their place for a nightcap so I agreed again.  But boy, when we got there, the wife disappeared into a room and re-appreared with a tiny dress on, sat opposite me and bared her all in front of my wide-open eyes!  It was tempting, but I tried to look away.  Then the boyfriend appeared in a robe from another door and they became more suggestive with their action and a little too touchy for my liking."
"Oh no! Think I've met them before at a party... From afar." I said. "So what happened?"
"So nothing happened," Troy answered.  "I ran out of there as fast as I could. I tell you the woman was sexy and she was coming onto me but thinking of having a sharp object entering my rear side was definitely not my idea of having fun!"
We laughed and decided to get back in for some dancing.

However... As I was following Troy to the way out of the smoking area, a very, but I mean very hot-looking guy stared into my eyes, with his sharp, blue-eyes and said:
"Hi." And grabbed me towards him for a super friendly hug!
Listen... Who was I to say 'don't'.  So, he held me against his strong chest and as we kissed on the cheeks, he asked if we could hold each other for a second more. Or two. Or three. I laughed, being held tightly in his strong arms and asked:
"Now... Have you taken ecstasy?"
"What?" He answered, "No. Haven't done that in years."
I looked around to check what had happened to Troy when I realised my friend must have seen me entangled in a passionate embrace and left me to it.
"I'm Bjorn by the way. You?" He asked.
"Haldita," I answered flirtatiously.
After a long hold, Bjorn took my hand in his and said: "Let's go back to my table."
And I followed without a single word of complaint!

At his table, he introduced a couple and offered me a drink. I barely had a sip when he took my hand again and this time, twirled me skilfully around the dance floor. We danced as passionately as two tango dancers, our bodies entwined, gazing at each other without uttering a word. The music had taken over and the heat was rising between us faster than an eruption of a volcano. As we moved, I could feel the muscles in his strong legs touching mine, as though flesh did not exist. The sensation of two hearts pumping fast, through our chests pressed against one another was creating a quake which blew me off my feet. In the moment of the time, I grasped his neck with one hand, while the fingers of my left hand clutched strongly onto his arm. As our heads turned with the flow of the dance, our lips touched and we kissed passionately, oblivious to the surround.
Time flew by. I was feeling hot. We drifted apart for a gasp of air and in the whirlwind of all the emotions running through our minds and body, I said:
"I've to go join my friends. If I don't see you again... Ciao."
And I disappeared behind the black, swinging doors without looking back.

The next day, I messaged Massimo to inform him of my 'change of heart' on the club:
'Actually, I had a great time at Maddox! Didn't leave till 5 am'.
Massimo answered:
'Good girl. My friend Tony has a private room there do you know him?'
I wrote:
'Tony? No. The party was in a private room.'
Massimo: 'That's the room! Tony.'
Me: 'Didn't meet Tony. But I did meet Bjorn. Now... Do you know Bjorn? Haha'
Massimo: 'Never heard.'
Me: 'Guess you win some, you lose some.'

What would life be without these moments of 'pure ecstasy'?

The week-end hasn't even begun... The family wedding to follow.

Be Assertive Girl!

My non-assertiveness was pointed out to me, by a lady therapist the ex and I were introduced to see by our family doctor, to help ease the pain of our troubled marriage.

Doris, unlike the jolly blonde character of Doris Day in old movies, was rather severe and emotionless in her ways. She reminded me of a headmistress in a disciplined boarding school, not unlike the one I attended at age 13. Doris would have private sessions with each of us, followed by a mixed session where the three of us would sit and talk to resolve the issues that made us so unhappy in our relationship.

Doris was a lady, a few years older than my mother, who spoke in broken English, with a heavy East European accent. She seemed captivated by the ex's charm which he put on with the ladies, and his good looks she came to one decision after a few sessions. Doris turned to me in one of those couples' sessions and said in a rather gentle way: "Haldita dear, I believe your relationship could improve if you learned to be more assertive!"
It must have been from my fearful, yet puzzled expression that she felt obliged to explain herself further: "You have to learn to say no."

The words 'No shit Batman!' did cross my mind. 

I could not quite figure out why she was pointing the finger at me while it was the ex who needed telling-off. Yet, looking back, I see she had a 'point' there. Doris then introduced me to a group therapy she had organised in the evenings, once a week, with six of her clients.
I went to two or three of these courses on learning 'how to be assertive'.

Throughout our sessions, I always felt she just did not get me but then I was so lost in my emotions from years of abuse; be it verbal or physical, that my sense of right and wrong was unclear, in a state of confusion. In difficult, abusive relationships, we lose the sense of the self. 'Who am I?' becomes a constant unanswered question. Marriage felt like a lifetime of having to answer for every step I took. I had to watch everything I said and every action I made. A constant telescope on you, rating your wrong-doings. Oufffff... Thank goodness that's over now. Remember, jealousy is a useless trait. So unnecessary. 

Anyway, despite my busy work schedule, running a business and family, I still made it to the Assertive Course. Through the group therapy, all I could hear forcefully was to say no or to make a fuss when we were not pleased with a situation. One practice was when going to a restaurant...

"Would you tell the waiter if the food was not to your liking?" Doris would ask.
One way or another, we would all reply 'No'.
My response was: "I wouldn't say the food was bad, I finished my meal, left and did not go back to that restaurant."
"No," Doris assertively interrupted: "You've to tell people when you feel something is not right. You call the waiter and tell him/her the food is not to your liking and he needs to change it."

And this was just one of the subjects discussed in the few sessions I did attend. 
It made me think for sure, but I was not going to make some poor waiter's life hell when the food was not to my liking. Was I? No. There are ways of making your point across in better-mannered and kinder ways.
One good lesson that did come out of the group therapies was being assertive telling Doris the 'assertive courses' were not working for me... So, I did say 'No', - it actually was helping me though maybe not in the way Doris wanted. I went on to tell Doris that I did not wish to continue with my therapy. So, 'No thank you'.

I quit Doris' therapy but sadly, she had boosted the ex's belief in thinking he could carry on with his unruly behaviour. Shortly after a violent episode, I decided to take on Shiba's advice and turn to another therapist called François. Under his professional and caring influence, I grew stronger every day although he would only see me every three weeks or so. I learned about my behaviour patterns and how the only person who can change things is myself, in order to live a more fulfilling life of happiness. The little girl in me is alive and ready to explore the new world I shall create for my new living. Have I learned from my mistakes? Hell, yes. Will I not make mistakes again? Of course, I will. I am only human. 

I read somewhere... 'If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree.'

My learning was that I like my kind and soft spots, I don't have to put up with anyone's shit and I will tell them quite straightforwardly, what has triggered my upset, but I can also leave gracefully without causing upset by simply walking away. I cannot change the way they feel or think and no one is to judge. But if a behaviour is out of order, not to my liking... It's ciao amigo; goodbye.

As to what brought back the memory of Doris' assertive group therapy...
On Sunday afternoon, Dylan and Conor drove to pick me up to go to the very trendy Chelsea pub; The Phene. We sat in the garden, with the sun shining through the tall, still bare trees. I decided to order some food as the boys had already eaten. It was 3 pm and the waiter apologised as it was late and all on offer was a platter of charcuterie and mezze. So be it.

Surprisingly enough, the food was rather disappointing which was not customary. So, when the waiter began clearing the table as we were leaving, he asked if everything was alright.
I answered gently with a smile: "Actually, no. The tzatziki was runny and tasteless and the charcuterie was so hard and chewy."
"I'm sorry," was the waiter's response.
"You know, you've got a popular place going here and the food has been great on other occasions, so it would be a shame to lose your customers by lowering your standards. Am I right?"
The waiter kindly agreed and we left.

Now, it made me think. I did not feel bad because there was no harshness or bad feeling about the point I was making which could only help their business. It came naturally, there was no force in doing what I did and most of all, I realised how I have changed. It is true that I would have never said that many years ago. Perhaps I was weak and vulnerable or I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings in any way. Anyhow, I could not do it before.

Doris was right and I had to learn to be assertive. Perhaps if I could stand up for my rights, my ex would have turned out to be a better husband and he is truly a unique human being, but the most important thing was to learn 'to love myself', to understand who I am and to accept the fact that I make mistakes but I am also willing to make the changes according to the way I am. I can be soft and yet, now I will not let anyone walk over me.

The Dalai Lama's words of grace... 'Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values'.

Oh! Pouring my scattered thoughts down in words

We often hide our inhibitions and only let out what we choose to portray as the person we want to be seen as.  How often do we pop the question within... 'Did I say the right thing?' Or 'Did I do the right thing?'
What is this 'right thing' we keep referring to?
Oh! I have my moments for sure. More of that, another time.

The reason I have chosen to keep my nationality, age and religion out of context here, is because I find it a way of labelling, the way most people judge themselves and others, to make assumptions according to what has been stated or dictated to our conscience as the way we 'should' behave or be. Our roots are important as they make us complete in understanding certain patterns of behaviour. So are our ancestral patterns; traumas within past generations can and do affect our lives. It is for us to acknowledge them and take the steps to clear negative family influences and leave space for new learnings of improving our lives to a happier way of being.

With time and age, our conception of people and places alike, changes. Life's experience gives us the chance to learn (hopefully) and try to make amendments when the same situation arises.  It's like saying 'Life's too short, must make the most of it'. It is easier said than done and besides, there are so many twists and turns which happen to make each situation unique. As we all are.
Would you think it is easy for me to write about my very private affairs; sex, drugs, nights of clubbing and pouring my head out with my heart? Actually, it is! Haha... But only because it is a chosen act that makes me learn more about pushing my boundaries and possibly giving pleasure to my dear readers. I have hardly gone back to re-read my blogs as I may momentarily make myself wrong for writing them, 'in the fear of being judged' and decide to delete what has given me so much joy to write in the first place.
But I don't do fear, much too busy for that.

Another point is... Just in case my memory fails me in years to come, I can look back and be proud that I have lived my life to the full. How I wished my grandparents had left words I could read about their lives, the countries they visited and their inner feelings. Would I make them wrong for anything... And I mean absolutely anything they could have done that may have been frowned upon at the time it was written by the people of that era? Of course not!

So... I go places and meet loads of friends. It's all about enjoying each other's company, having a phone conversation sharing funny stories and laughter and other times, listening to the pain we go through but it is all about love and support. And I guess with others, things do not quite work out that way. The auras do not blend ...  they clash. Simple really.

They say the older we get, the less tolerant we become. And yet I see older people who are full of warmth and kindness and give their love unconditionally but must admit that these people are a rare bread. One of the men who always makes me proud when I think of him is my grandfather. I think of looking up at him as a child, as a teenager, as an adult and all I keep remembering is his kind smile over and over again, to everyone alike. My gentle grand-mother was the most hospitable lady, with the sweetest of characters. Lady Saba (some people do not need to be titled by the Queen, they carry that natural air of ladyship in their being) who is a poet and a valuable family friend, from whom I can learn the essence of humanity. Another amazing hostess and family friend is Lady Diba, who welcomes everyone to her home with open arms.
Listen, I'm no Queen, nevertheless, have the right to call anyone 'Lady' when I wish to! No offence.

Every woman, man and child teaches me valuable lessons. Be it good or bad.
Last week, Juan Manuel and his lovely lady, Miranda, invited me over for lunch, to finally get to meet their adorable boys and share experiences of our South American adventures. My visit was only two years overdue as their firstborn is 2 years old now and I had meant to go and meet him since he was born. Not only that, there is now a second addition to the family of their 8-month-old baby.
I had told Juan Manuel, every time we met: "And how old is your baby now?"
As a response to the age he would give me, I would continue, jokingly: "Oh! I'll come and see him. If not before, I would make it to his wedding for sure."
I observed the two children and saw them smile, opening the wrapping of their new toys and thought if only we could grow up with that free mentality. A child could be happy with a balloon.  They run in the fields, not because they have to lose 3 kilos but because it gives them joy to be free in open space. They are honest to smile at you when they like you and turn around and go their way when they don't. So, as grown-ups, how do we pollute their minds with so much complexity?

It was Kalina's birthday party on Friday. The past two years, due to last-minute decisions of travels I had not made it to her birthday but this one was not to be missed. Seems I missed a few dues two years ago which I finally made it to in one week!
"Finally! You made it to my birthday." Kalina said with her beautiful smile when she embraced me upon arrival.
We had met first time at Lola's after-party, accompanied by her partner Ryan. They were such a delightful couple; both so kind,warm and friendly. Our friendship has grown in time and it is always a pleasure to spend time in their loving company. Their entourage of close friends that evening brought so much joy that the hours passed like minutes.
Kalina's brother surprised her by turning up from abroad, with a large bouquet of flowers and a birthday cake, seeing the love between them made me miss my siblings. You could see they were brought up with love.

It was a late one, so I did not get to the hilly Hampstead Heath, a park in North London, before 3:30 p.m. on Saturday, to meet up with Troy and Torsten for a picnic in the sun. We lay on the blankets, had our sandwiches with champagne and... Laughed. Carrying on my 'Choroni hippie look' of a colourful summer top and shorts with the Havaianas did not go down well with the cool breeze of what I called 'Siberian winds'. Alright, somewhat of an exaggeration, but I was feeling the cold with the jacket and the blanket on. Before we parted I said: "I know I've been to my home millions o' times before, but that's where I'm heading again."

These are friendships that I pray my mind shall never cease to forget and reading them one day, would be a drop in the ocean of many more great times spent together.

London in the spring sun, is The most amazing city in the world. May it continue.

The Cab-E ride!

Last week, my partner in crime, Hala left to go back home leaving me to continue my life here.

My eldest cousin turned up to spend some great family time together. We had drinks with Sophie at George's and visited Jak's bar with Kristine. Saturday lunch at Diba's was with a more mature gathering of friends and laughter before Samson left for the US in the afternoon.

Saturday evening was a very different scene visiting Brick Lane with rows of Indian restaurants and bars with Salar. We paid a short visit to Scream, where his friend was Djing, followed by dinner at a Swedish restaurant called Fika serving a traditional Scandinavian menu. The night was still young, we had a drink at Vibes where there was a large area closed off, serving food and drinks from stalls laying on the cobbled stoned area separated from two music rooms for dancing in the building facing the open air.

By midnight, Salar and I decided to pay a visit to no other place but of course, Fabric, where we had first met some years ago. We visited the DJ booth in room two where Terry Francis was playing. The familiar faces and the warm embraces come from a connection, definitely, music-related but also of a mutual understanding. Kind of 'I dig you'. Haha. You either connect, or you don't. Some effortlessly at first instance, others could take longer, or not.

Isn't it amazing how in a dark, dingy place, great bonding and friendships can be made?

The time spent with younger friends gives me an opportunity to talk to them about life in general and the occasional tete-a-tete of talking about family matters.
Now, the established reality is, relationships are not easy.
As much as my sister and I get along and have great times together, I find the need for what I call 'me-time', more and more necessary. There is no judgement, simply being happy for each other with the choices we make in leading that special life of adventure and excitement, together and separately. People often comment on how lucky we are to get along so well and have fun together. But deep down, I believe we are the same as everyone. Each relationship has its ups and downs, in particular with siblings. That's ok. We are individuals after all. 

And what do we do to get closer to one another? Parents, children, friends. It has taken years of observing how my relationships have developed, along the way so many people came and left. Who knows? We may meet again, or not. I have finally reached a state where I am responsibly taking into account the words of Ruiz in his book, 'The Four Agreements'. Be Impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best.

And if I don't feel the vibe to be right, I simply walk away. 

I believe it is lesser so these days when parents force their children to follow the dreams they themselves once had. But it sure had its era. 

In fact, I'm going through a phase of JOMO; Joy Of Missing Out. Haha

Sunday was Mother's Day. Most of my young friends were happy to be taking their mums to lunch. My adorable Girl took me to a special dinner at Yauatcha's in Soho. My Boy is travelling in faraway places, his message was loving and to the point. His place is dearly missed. It gives me absolute pleasure and pride to see my children making the most of their lives, seeking adventure as well as being level-headed in their chosen paths. I am truly blessed. I give them my support and I have often told them, if they need me for any reason, at any time, I shall be behind them in full force, no matter; an unconditional love. I give them my love and trust at all times and they truly deserve it.
We are individuals and can only lead a life destined for one.

Out of the blue, a fun story came to mind. It was a Friday in early December and I was invited to a Christmas do, at 4 pm at Lola's. Knowing Lola's parties would go well into the night, I took my time and left my place around 6 o'clock. I managed to hail a free black cab in the madness of the Christmas rush.  When I explained the direction of the address, I added:
"I usually drive there, so I'm not quite sure what the road is called but I'll be drinking tonight.'
The cab driver knew the exact address and said:
"Seems you already had a few!"
"What... Drinks?" I asked.
"Yeah," answered the cabbie.
"Actually, no." I responded, "But I did have a joint."
"A smoke?" The cab driver seemed pleasantly surprised. "You mean you had a spliff?"
"Yep," was my answer.
"Good on you!" He smiled. "Since you're so honest, let me tell you, I love my smoke and so does my wife.  I've two teenage daughters and I haven't been partying for a long time. This Christmas, we were gonna go out with my mates and I spent the whole day looking for some Es, but I've lost my contacts over the years."
"Oh, really now," I said in a cheeky tone, "And how many were you looking for?"
"About 6." He answered innocently.
"Fine then," I continued, "I'll make your Christmas wish come true. Turn left here."
The cab driver looked back in astonishment. He was not sure how to react. So, I put him at ease by saying: "Take me home and I'll get you your goodies."
His first initiation was: "Really? Oh, I'll pay anything you want for them."
"Not necessary," I said with a smile, "I don't accept payment for drugs. They'll be my Christmas present to you."

As it happened, I had scored a bagful, only a couple of days before and it was more than enough for the night we were planning to go out that weekend. So, I came back to the taxi and handed them his goodies.  He turned around and asked:
"Are you an angel?"
"No," I replied, "A mere mortal who likes to make people happy."
Having confessed to not being a great talker, the cab driver went on to tell me a lot more about his life than he had ever discussed with anyone. As it happened, his eldest daughter had a similar name to me!
When he dropped me off insisting not to take any payment for the ride, I paid him the full fare and said:
"That was your Christmas present. When I give, I don't expect anything back."

The incredible thing was, a year later in January, the same taxi driver picked me up one afternoon and although I had not noticed at first, he said:
"I know you, you're Haldita. You probably won't remember me but you did me a favour some time ago which I shan't forget."
By then, I recognised him and said:
"And you are Dean. You know, it's not every day I go around handing Es to cab drivers!"

Come to think of it, I am only human and when I give, a simple gesture of gratitude is always a pleasure to be had. But it seems a rarity in this day and age and so be it.

Life is truly simple... Don't complicate matters for yourself or others.

An Open-Air Museum... Charles Bridge

Just in case I got some eyebrows lifted with my last blog, let's face it, the so-called 'drugs' are everywhere.

My view on it is that governments are to blame. How come excessive alcohol consumption is allowed so freely while it is worse than most illegal drugs (I bet they will be legalised eventually). Prescription drugs such as Prozac are handed out regularly to patients; the new E (Ecstasy). Ecstasy used to be prescribed as the 'happy pill' by therapists over the counter till the 1960s. Cocaine is cut and distributed all over the world; mixed with all forms of white powder; from aspirin to horrendous cheap substitutes and taken by many in power and otherwise. Opium has been taken through the ages; originally to help the elderly deal with the pains that come with old age. Now, the new laboratory-made drugs from ketamine; originally a veterinary medicine, and the drug called miao, miao! Or is it meow, meow! It seems new ones come onto the market weekly.

If governments really cared, it would be better if they educated people from a young age about their usage and the consequences to be expected as they get older. The danger of paranoia that all these drugs bring to the ones who are unstable in the mind, due to life difficulties or perhaps the lack of love most feel in this day and age. We do not stay young forever and our body's tolerance changes as we age and the effects of what we take in and how we abuse it will eventually come to haunt us if we manage to stay around long enough.
Remember the keyword is... 'Moderation'.

I do not plan to take a perfect body (does that exist?) with a life not lived fully to the grave. However, I do plan to live a relatively healthy and happy life, filled with as much love, joy and experiences of adventure as I could possibly fit into it. I exercise, eat well, drink plenty of water, eat lots of fruit and most of all, try to free my mind of useless thoughts. When repetitively I get asked what is the secret of my youthful looks... 'My genes for sure. Gratitude at all times and work to keep a positive attitude. Be happy and be as non-judgemental as I possibly can. When I want to be funny, I say... 'Sex, drugs and rock and roll, fun and keeping great company'!

Now to go back to Prague.
After a 24-hour tripping session, Torsten and Troy were ready to go out. We did another quick getting ready session to finally make it to Le Clan, twenty-four hours late; for the eleventh anniversary of the after-party club. The party was still going strong at 4 a.m. when we entered the dark dungeon. Down the stairs, there was a living room-like area with a bar, where people were mingling and chatting and the next basement where a DJ was playing house music, some playing on a football machine and others dancing and talking. We stayed a couple of hours and decided with Hala, to go back to bed in the light of the early morning.

Finally at midday on Sunday, we woke up with more energy and decided to uncover the marvels of the city.
Due to a strong recommendation, we were dropped off at The Mandarin Oriental Hotel for brunch. However, whilst the restaurant was great it only had two tables occupied so we left, absolutely starving and went to the Entrecote restaurant nearby. It was OK. Our self-guided tour of simply walking around the city was magnificent.

We walked for hours. Went up a hill, which could have been a toil if it was not for the breathtaking views over the city from Prague Castle situated right at the top of the hill.

And the grand Cathedral in the centre of the palaces.

We were anxious to get on the Charles Bridge, built on the Vltava River in 1357 under King Charles IV and finished at the beginning of the fifteenth century. Until 1841, it was the only connection between Prague Castle and the city's old town.
516 meters long, with a width of 10 meters, the bridge is decorated by a continuous alley of 30 statues, mostly in baroque style, originally erected around 1700 but now all replaced by replicas. They still look so old.

We passed by the Toy Museum with an exhibition on Barbie, indeed the doll, to pass the Sex Machines museum! I did wonder about that but ended up taking a photo from outside as time was scarce, there was no time for a visit inside.

The night was approaching and we stopped at the pizzeria in a small square very close to the Old Town Square with live jazz music. It was a relaxing way of spending time for rest.
After dinner, our hunger for beauty in the city, which was now romantically lit up, especially on the magnificent buildings, kept us going despite our tired legs.

Finally, we got home at midnight after an eleven-hour tour on foot.
It is a city I fully recommend for anyone to visit. It has so much to offer and it seems to be a destination for stag dos as well as visitors after culture and beauty.