Be Assertive Girl!

My non-assertiveness was pointed out to me, by a lady therapist the ex and I were introduced to see by our family doctor, to help ease the pain of our troubled marriage.

Doris, unlike the jolly blonde character of Doris Day in old movies, was rather severe and emotionless in her ways. She reminded me of a headmistress in a disciplined boarding school, not unlike the one I attended at age 13. Doris would have private sessions with each of us, followed by a mixed session where the three of us would sit and talk to resolve the issues that made us so unhappy in our relationship.

Doris was a lady, a few years older than my mother, who spoke in broken English, with a heavy East European accent. She seemed captivated by the ex's charm which he put on with the ladies, and his good looks she came to one decision after a few sessions. Doris turned to me in one of those couples' sessions and said in a rather gentle way: "Haldita dear, I believe your relationship could improve if you learned to be more assertive!"
It must have been from my fearful, yet puzzled expression that she felt obliged to explain herself further: "You have to learn to say no."

The words 'No shit Batman!' did cross my mind. 

I could not quite figure out why she was pointing the finger at me while it was the ex who needed telling-off. Yet, looking back, I see she had a 'point' there. Doris then introduced me to a group therapy she had organised in the evenings, once a week, with six of her clients.
I went to two or three of these courses on learning 'how to be assertive'.

Throughout our sessions, I always felt she just did not get me but then I was so lost in my emotions from years of abuse; be it verbal or physical, that my sense of right and wrong was unclear, in a state of confusion. In difficult, abusive relationships, we lose the sense of the self. 'Who am I?' becomes a constant unanswered question. Marriage felt like a lifetime of having to answer for every step I took. I had to watch everything I said and every action I made. A constant telescope on you, rating your wrong-doings. Oufffff... Thank goodness that's over now. Remember, jealousy is a useless trait. So unnecessary. 

Anyway, despite my busy work schedule, running a business and family, I still made it to the Assertive Course. Through the group therapy, all I could hear forcefully was to say no or to make a fuss when we were not pleased with a situation. One practice was when going to a restaurant...

"Would you tell the waiter if the food was not to your liking?" Doris would ask.
One way or another, we would all reply 'No'.
My response was: "I wouldn't say the food was bad, I finished my meal, left and did not go back to that restaurant."
"No," Doris assertively interrupted: "You've to tell people when you feel something is not right. You call the waiter and tell him/her the food is not to your liking and he needs to change it."

And this was just one of the subjects discussed in the few sessions I did attend. 
It made me think for sure, but I was not going to make some poor waiter's life hell when the food was not to my liking. Was I? No. There are ways of making your point across in better-mannered and kinder ways.
One good lesson that did come out of the group therapies was being assertive telling Doris the 'assertive courses' were not working for me... So, I did say 'No', - it actually was helping me though maybe not in the way Doris wanted. I went on to tell Doris that I did not wish to continue with my therapy. So, 'No thank you'.

I quit Doris' therapy but sadly, she had boosted the ex's belief in thinking he could carry on with his unruly behaviour. Shortly after a violent episode, I decided to take on Shiba's advice and turn to another therapist called François. Under his professional and caring influence, I grew stronger every day although he would only see me every three weeks or so. I learned about my behaviour patterns and how the only person who can change things is myself, in order to live a more fulfilling life of happiness. The little girl in me is alive and ready to explore the new world I shall create for my new living. Have I learned from my mistakes? Hell, yes. Will I not make mistakes again? Of course, I will. I am only human. 

I read somewhere... 'If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree.'

My learning was that I like my kind and soft spots, I don't have to put up with anyone's shit and I will tell them quite straightforwardly, what has triggered my upset, but I can also leave gracefully without causing upset by simply walking away. I cannot change the way they feel or think and no one is to judge. But if a behaviour is out of order, not to my liking... It's ciao amigo; goodbye.

As to what brought back the memory of Doris' assertive group therapy...
On Sunday afternoon, Dylan and Conor drove to pick me up to go to the very trendy Chelsea pub; The Phene. We sat in the garden, with the sun shining through the tall, still bare trees. I decided to order some food as the boys had already eaten. It was 3 pm and the waiter apologised as it was late and all on offer was a platter of charcuterie and mezze. So be it.

Surprisingly enough, the food was rather disappointing which was not customary. So, when the waiter began clearing the table as we were leaving, he asked if everything was alright.
I answered gently with a smile: "Actually, no. The tzatziki was runny and tasteless and the charcuterie was so hard and chewy."
"I'm sorry," was the waiter's response.
"You know, you've got a popular place going here and the food has been great on other occasions, so it would be a shame to lose your customers by lowering your standards. Am I right?"
The waiter kindly agreed and we left.

Now, it made me think. I did not feel bad because there was no harshness or bad feeling about the point I was making which could only help their business. It came naturally, there was no force in doing what I did and most of all, I realised how I have changed. It is true that I would have never said that many years ago. Perhaps I was weak and vulnerable or I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings in any way. Anyhow, I could not do it before.

Doris was right and I had to learn to be assertive. Perhaps if I could stand up for my rights, my ex would have turned out to be a better husband and he is truly a unique human being, but the most important thing was to learn 'to love myself', to understand who I am and to accept the fact that I make mistakes but I am also willing to make the changes according to the way I am. I can be soft and yet, now I will not let anyone walk over me.

The Dalai Lama's words of grace... 'Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values'.