This is what I came across on a friend's FB page:
'How old would you be if you didn't know your age?' Satchel Paige.
Couldn't help but answer:
'Sometimes six, others, hundred and twenty-five!'
A weekend of rest!
Donna asked me earlier:
"Haldita, when was the last weekend you took time off to rest?"
Now, this made me think. My life may be a holiday, and my travels and engagements are fun, but I still have time to rest. There may not be an office job waiting every day, nor meetings of money-producing importance, but every day and hour of my life is spent learning and doing my little bit to bring a little sparkle of joy or hope spread from how I feel into the lives of few I can reach. The time has come for me to begin telling you my true story, how I got here and what roles I played in my life to get to the part I am now in charge of conducting. We all live lives of drama, tragedy, comedy and science fiction, so what is this chapter about to unravel?
The time tunnel this morning threw me back about 20 years! I lived in London on the frigid but posh Belgravia Estate with my Ex and two school children. Having returned to the UK after spending two years abroad, in a country after the war... A book can or will be written on that basis, but it has yet to be. For now, here goes...
I recall hanging outside the squared windows of our coach house living room... Let me stop a second; OMG, I just noticed during my marriage while we moved every year or so, we actually resided in three different coach houses, where the stables were held in the old days! Could that have been connected to a past life experience? Never mind, back to the story... So while hanging outside cleaning the windows of our Belgravia coach house, the roots of my hair covered in dye and a scarf tied at the back of the neck (in the past, not even our maids had I seen walking around supporting such a look!), polishing those panelled glass frameworks, inside out. At the same time, our Indonesian help had her day off. If she had seen me, she would have thought, 'Ma'am has gone cuckoo'. I could have easily called a window cleaner, too, but no, washing those windows and occasionally ironing were the only chores I took over at times. It gave me time to reflect, hence therapeutic, the kind cleaning always does. More than anything, what bothered me at the time was not being able to make my man happy, no matter how hard I tried.
Helpless, selfless and feeling utterly useless, the dim idea of staying in this incapable housewife mode was not one to boost any morals. How depressing can it be to think you are stuck in a phase and have no idea how to plan a way out. Now, there I was, in a position so many housewives or 'trained' husbands are lost in, with very little hope of ever coming out. The thoughts going through my mind while I hung out the window, firstly, were:
"Gosh, if my husband comes home and finds me washing windows, with that scarf on my head, he would freak out most probably, shouting:
"Have you gone out of your mind, woman? Since when have you done housework? You're embarrassing us."
Frankly, I could not have blamed him, but honestly, I could not give a damn what those 'other people' thought; it seems I never did and never will. In fact, it amused me somewhat, thinking the neighbours must think we are so nouveau riche! Finding humour in the darkest moments is the best way to overcome difficult times.
What is it that makes some proud of their looks? Their leggy figure? Those toys money can buy to impress? We all deteriorate in time. Even all the money in the world could disappear before our very eyes. One thing is for sure: nothing stays the same forever. Arrogance is truly ignorance.
My second thought was: 'How desperate I feel. How could I reach this state after being raised in an open-minded environment by wonderful parents and a privileged life? How could I end up in such despair?'
Then I recall my childhood, probably at the age of ten or barely eleven, when my cousin, on our way home, told me of a woman's duties to her husband:
"My mother says," She went on, "A girl should be a virgin when she gets married. She should take that as a present to her husband's home."
"What?" I looked at her in amazement. "And what does the husband bring to the table? What is to be expected of him?"
My cousin would ignore what must have sounded as my outrageous remark and went on to add:
"And my mother says, if you do your five-time prayers daily, God will forgive you Anything."
Now, I cannot quite tell which of those remarks boiled my blood more to a temperature of explosion. My outcry would then be:
"Now, you mean if you recite some words you're not fully aware of the true meaning of, you can go and kill someone or hurt others in the thought that God will forgive you your sins? Then, religion is not for me. I go to God for my answers."
I did not blame my cousin for the way she thought or those 'posh' neighbours to find my eccentric ways acceptable; I just didn't care. Despite my studies and the few certificates that carried my name, there I was in the now, without an inkling of thought as to what the future had in store. As far as this may seem, it also feels like it was yesterday; time will pass, and life continues. Still, I turned to God with all his glory back on that window sill and wondered... 'Will I ever? Make it out of this rut of feelings, and if one day I will, then so can anyone."
I could not even see the tunnel,
let alone the search for the light.
As for my life with the Ex, for whom I blame nothing as he helped me question my ways and do my utmost to change them. He pushed my buttons to get stronger, and I realised my belief in finding happiness meant more and more every day; I now have reached a place of no return; Love and kindness rule the world. No one is in charge of our unhappiness but ourselves. As hard as it may seem to grasp when we feel every wall around us is about to collapse, it is the truth.
At the time, I had no idea how my life would change as we moved to a bigger house in that same neighbourhood, with a new business where I found the chance to get involved, now not only just living but also working with my then-husband.
It was my mother, visiting London at the time, who brought me back to a reality check when I was complaining about giving up on working with my husband as abuse had now taken a further step in our marriage. Mama told me:
"What? Have I brought you up with all the best of everything now to see you sit at home and simply be a housewife?"
Although I refused to disclose a lot of my unhappiness to my mother as her solution, I knew it would simply be:
"I don't understand what's this divorce for? If two people are unhappy together, then that's what it was created for! Divorce."
But to explain to her that divorcing my dad for the first time when I was eleven years old, moving to Europe and then remarrying him a year later again, only to get a second divorce from Papa when I was nineteen, did not help boost my confidence, nor did it help me in the choices I made in life. Again, mama did her best to give us all she could, and she is a great mum, an incredible woman. Parents are only human, and they have their life experiences to go through; they are by no means perfect, as neither are we. And it's nobody's fault. If you are unhappy, change.
How far-fetched was my dream of living a life of peace and love? Where was I allowed to be me, to be free? And what would I do if there was an inkling of a chance of reaching that goal? Well, the answer was fiction in itself. I sometimes ask myself whether it was my past that was surreal or if it was my now? I dreamed of being accessible and robust without being harsh, a strength that came from within, to overcome any hurt, and, most of all, to be happy with my life. Little did I know that I would reach a state where acceptance rules: no one is perfect, and that is the beauty of us. Our flaws make us think and re-think whether we want to repeat mistakes as we saw them or whether there is a choice to make the necessary changes and move on. No expectation is rule number one. Give your love freely and learn at your own paste not to expect it back. Because, after all, people may take you wrongly or they may not; that is their choice, but at least you can live a life of inspiration.
All these twenty years have passed, and have I found the peace I searched for? Yes. Do I still make mistakes? I sure damn hope so. Are there moments of doubt in life? All the fucking time. Oops! I swore again. Nothing in the fact that the circle of life will take its course will change. Are we indeed in charge of our destiny? No way. All we can do is learn ways to make our existence meaningful... A learning passage.
This was supposed to be a short introduction to Moi! Haha
As you can tell, I have a looooong story to tell. Let us stay in that moment where we reach at different times and look to the future with 'no hope', no light. How much fear does it take to put a hold on a future we each yearn for? And the pain? Or are you ready to make 'change' your number one priority?
When you are in despair, life looks like a dark tunnel; it is as though you go through the darkness, hopelessly looking for a keyhole of light, where only you hold the key, but even that does not seem to be of help. Have Faith. Keep thinking: 'The Key is in my hand.'
Into the now... The weekend was restful, chilling, and sometimes in great company. A three-hour breakfast at Gail's with Kristel on Friday and another three-hour session of tandoori king prawns at Star of India's with Bardot left me inspired with ideas and happy. The Saturday and Sunday were at home and ended with Lola bringing over dishes by M&S to be left in the oven with one of her unique salads in a green bowl. Donna happened to pass by and say hello, so we ended on another few joyful hours.
Monday was a six-hour session with Antonia at Face for a photo shoot by Bernardo, the Brazilian photographer for Vogue (well, that's what we were constantly informed of), with a makeover, hairdo and four changes of clothes we had brought. We matched our last outfits as a latex purchase I had made at Harmony and Antonia's bespoke tiger look. The day was fun as we were rushed from manicure to hairdo, and the make-up came. We were directed to pause like a ' model ' in the white area next door to a high-ceiling room. Frankly, I am uncomfortable in front of a camera; despite having taken many photos, I prefer a more natural look with a dash of posing. But the day was fun, and I returned home with my suitcase of clothes and two photos on a CD which I will probably never use!
Dinner was at Kateh's delicious Persian restaurant with Ernest and an enchanting conversation, followed by the cinema. Instead of the James Bond movie Skyfall, which we were meant to see, my friend had booked us in for 'Rust and Bone' as he knew I enjoyed watching a meaningful movie more. And boy, did it blow us away and leave us thinking how the game of survival is indeed played in the lives of so many. Fighting for meaning in ways so far-fetched to most of us, simply having to make ends meet in terms of wasting time and questioning whether the time will ever come when we can change our lives. The time is now, my friends. 'It's now or never? Dara rara'.
And this rose to mind:
'When you are in total despair
Life has nothing of caring to share
Darkness abounds through a tunnel
It's through difficulties we learn to channel
Looking hopelessly for a keyhole of light
Through the misery, a candle is nowhere in sight
Dear Lord, I pray to thee in moments of gloom
Where is the light, the sun, and that bloom?
Life turns pages of many shades and visions
Am I left in charge of making all decisions?
What is the choice but have faith in the above
Where is the line? The answer circles back to love.'
And now, looking back at that window where I hung, the ones facing me now come from the tall, glass windows of my living room where my tears have been far and in between while laughter has spread itself all around. Looking out onto a stormy, rainy, grey autumn day, I opened the old glass door to my Romeo, Juliet balcony window and looking up at the sky, it was as though the Lord smiled at me; I smiled widely back and heard my Protector tell me:
"Girl, what are you worried about?"
Have I managed to go through everything life has thrown at me with a stride, with one goal in mind: to find happiness? And have I reached that state? The state of joy where it's so high, nothing or no one can bring me down? All because I know what it's like to feel despair?
And now, a loving family I'm longing to see and friends ... Hah, friends more colourful and beautiful than any rainbow could possibly produce in tone or shine."
Back to the conversation with my Beautiful Lord, I knew he protected me, and there was nothing to fear or doubt. Life has been full of beautiful surprises all along; why should it change?
Sending you the biggest un-germed hug. Well, I have recovered from double flu (one after the other) and will be off tomorrow... Now, let's see where's calling... Mmm... Dakar, Senegal. Wow!
Let me add this now: this blog was meant to be posted three weeks ago! My trip to Senegal was... Pure Awesome. Will write soon. Very soon.
'How old would you be if you didn't know your age?' Satchel Paige.
Couldn't help but answer:
'Sometimes six, others, hundred and twenty-five!'
A weekend of rest!
Donna asked me earlier:
"Haldita, when was the last weekend you took time off to rest?"
Now, this made me think. My life may be a holiday, and my travels and engagements are fun, but I still have time to rest. There may not be an office job waiting every day, nor meetings of money-producing importance, but every day and hour of my life is spent learning and doing my little bit to bring a little sparkle of joy or hope spread from how I feel into the lives of few I can reach. The time has come for me to begin telling you my true story, how I got here and what roles I played in my life to get to the part I am now in charge of conducting. We all live lives of drama, tragedy, comedy and science fiction, so what is this chapter about to unravel?
The time tunnel this morning threw me back about 20 years! I lived in London on the frigid but posh Belgravia Estate with my Ex and two school children. Having returned to the UK after spending two years abroad, in a country after the war... A book can or will be written on that basis, but it has yet to be. For now, here goes...
I recall hanging outside the squared windows of our coach house living room... Let me stop a second; OMG, I just noticed during my marriage while we moved every year or so, we actually resided in three different coach houses, where the stables were held in the old days! Could that have been connected to a past life experience? Never mind, back to the story... So while hanging outside cleaning the windows of our Belgravia coach house, the roots of my hair covered in dye and a scarf tied at the back of the neck (in the past, not even our maids had I seen walking around supporting such a look!), polishing those panelled glass frameworks, inside out. At the same time, our Indonesian help had her day off. If she had seen me, she would have thought, 'Ma'am has gone cuckoo'. I could have easily called a window cleaner, too, but no, washing those windows and occasionally ironing were the only chores I took over at times. It gave me time to reflect, hence therapeutic, the kind cleaning always does. More than anything, what bothered me at the time was not being able to make my man happy, no matter how hard I tried.
Helpless, selfless and feeling utterly useless, the dim idea of staying in this incapable housewife mode was not one to boost any morals. How depressing can it be to think you are stuck in a phase and have no idea how to plan a way out. Now, there I was, in a position so many housewives or 'trained' husbands are lost in, with very little hope of ever coming out. The thoughts going through my mind while I hung out the window, firstly, were:
"Gosh, if my husband comes home and finds me washing windows, with that scarf on my head, he would freak out most probably, shouting:
"Have you gone out of your mind, woman? Since when have you done housework? You're embarrassing us."
Frankly, I could not have blamed him, but honestly, I could not give a damn what those 'other people' thought; it seems I never did and never will. In fact, it amused me somewhat, thinking the neighbours must think we are so nouveau riche! Finding humour in the darkest moments is the best way to overcome difficult times.
What is it that makes some proud of their looks? Their leggy figure? Those toys money can buy to impress? We all deteriorate in time. Even all the money in the world could disappear before our very eyes. One thing is for sure: nothing stays the same forever. Arrogance is truly ignorance.
My second thought was: 'How desperate I feel. How could I reach this state after being raised in an open-minded environment by wonderful parents and a privileged life? How could I end up in such despair?'
Then I recall my childhood, probably at the age of ten or barely eleven, when my cousin, on our way home, told me of a woman's duties to her husband:
"My mother says," She went on, "A girl should be a virgin when she gets married. She should take that as a present to her husband's home."
"What?" I looked at her in amazement. "And what does the husband bring to the table? What is to be expected of him?"
My cousin would ignore what must have sounded as my outrageous remark and went on to add:
"And my mother says, if you do your five-time prayers daily, God will forgive you Anything."
Now, I cannot quite tell which of those remarks boiled my blood more to a temperature of explosion. My outcry would then be:
"Now, you mean if you recite some words you're not fully aware of the true meaning of, you can go and kill someone or hurt others in the thought that God will forgive you your sins? Then, religion is not for me. I go to God for my answers."
I did not blame my cousin for the way she thought or those 'posh' neighbours to find my eccentric ways acceptable; I just didn't care. Despite my studies and the few certificates that carried my name, there I was in the now, without an inkling of thought as to what the future had in store. As far as this may seem, it also feels like it was yesterday; time will pass, and life continues. Still, I turned to God with all his glory back on that window sill and wondered... 'Will I ever? Make it out of this rut of feelings, and if one day I will, then so can anyone."
I could not even see the tunnel,
let alone the search for the light.
As for my life with the Ex, for whom I blame nothing as he helped me question my ways and do my utmost to change them. He pushed my buttons to get stronger, and I realised my belief in finding happiness meant more and more every day; I now have reached a place of no return; Love and kindness rule the world. No one is in charge of our unhappiness but ourselves. As hard as it may seem to grasp when we feel every wall around us is about to collapse, it is the truth.
At the time, I had no idea how my life would change as we moved to a bigger house in that same neighbourhood, with a new business where I found the chance to get involved, now not only just living but also working with my then-husband.
It was my mother, visiting London at the time, who brought me back to a reality check when I was complaining about giving up on working with my husband as abuse had now taken a further step in our marriage. Mama told me:
"What? Have I brought you up with all the best of everything now to see you sit at home and simply be a housewife?"
Although I refused to disclose a lot of my unhappiness to my mother as her solution, I knew it would simply be:
"I don't understand what's this divorce for? If two people are unhappy together, then that's what it was created for! Divorce."
But to explain to her that divorcing my dad for the first time when I was eleven years old, moving to Europe and then remarrying him a year later again, only to get a second divorce from Papa when I was nineteen, did not help boost my confidence, nor did it help me in the choices I made in life. Again, mama did her best to give us all she could, and she is a great mum, an incredible woman. Parents are only human, and they have their life experiences to go through; they are by no means perfect, as neither are we. And it's nobody's fault. If you are unhappy, change.
How far-fetched was my dream of living a life of peace and love? Where was I allowed to be me, to be free? And what would I do if there was an inkling of a chance of reaching that goal? Well, the answer was fiction in itself. I sometimes ask myself whether it was my past that was surreal or if it was my now? I dreamed of being accessible and robust without being harsh, a strength that came from within, to overcome any hurt, and, most of all, to be happy with my life. Little did I know that I would reach a state where acceptance rules: no one is perfect, and that is the beauty of us. Our flaws make us think and re-think whether we want to repeat mistakes as we saw them or whether there is a choice to make the necessary changes and move on. No expectation is rule number one. Give your love freely and learn at your own paste not to expect it back. Because, after all, people may take you wrongly or they may not; that is their choice, but at least you can live a life of inspiration.
All these twenty years have passed, and have I found the peace I searched for? Yes. Do I still make mistakes? I sure damn hope so. Are there moments of doubt in life? All the fucking time. Oops! I swore again. Nothing in the fact that the circle of life will take its course will change. Are we indeed in charge of our destiny? No way. All we can do is learn ways to make our existence meaningful... A learning passage.
This was supposed to be a short introduction to Moi! Haha
As you can tell, I have a looooong story to tell. Let us stay in that moment where we reach at different times and look to the future with 'no hope', no light. How much fear does it take to put a hold on a future we each yearn for? And the pain? Or are you ready to make 'change' your number one priority?
When you are in despair, life looks like a dark tunnel; it is as though you go through the darkness, hopelessly looking for a keyhole of light, where only you hold the key, but even that does not seem to be of help. Have Faith. Keep thinking: 'The Key is in my hand.'
Into the now... The weekend was restful, chilling, and sometimes in great company. A three-hour breakfast at Gail's with Kristel on Friday and another three-hour session of tandoori king prawns at Star of India's with Bardot left me inspired with ideas and happy. The Saturday and Sunday were at home and ended with Lola bringing over dishes by M&S to be left in the oven with one of her unique salads in a green bowl. Donna happened to pass by and say hello, so we ended on another few joyful hours.
Monday was a six-hour session with Antonia at Face for a photo shoot by Bernardo, the Brazilian photographer for Vogue (well, that's what we were constantly informed of), with a makeover, hairdo and four changes of clothes we had brought. We matched our last outfits as a latex purchase I had made at Harmony and Antonia's bespoke tiger look. The day was fun as we were rushed from manicure to hairdo, and the make-up came. We were directed to pause like a ' model ' in the white area next door to a high-ceiling room. Frankly, I am uncomfortable in front of a camera; despite having taken many photos, I prefer a more natural look with a dash of posing. But the day was fun, and I returned home with my suitcase of clothes and two photos on a CD which I will probably never use!
Dinner was at Kateh's delicious Persian restaurant with Ernest and an enchanting conversation, followed by the cinema. Instead of the James Bond movie Skyfall, which we were meant to see, my friend had booked us in for 'Rust and Bone' as he knew I enjoyed watching a meaningful movie more. And boy, did it blow us away and leave us thinking how the game of survival is indeed played in the lives of so many. Fighting for meaning in ways so far-fetched to most of us, simply having to make ends meet in terms of wasting time and questioning whether the time will ever come when we can change our lives. The time is now, my friends. 'It's now or never? Dara rara'.
And this rose to mind:
'When you are in total despair
Life has nothing of caring to share
Darkness abounds through a tunnel
It's through difficulties we learn to channel
Looking hopelessly for a keyhole of light
Through the misery, a candle is nowhere in sight
Dear Lord, I pray to thee in moments of gloom
Where is the light, the sun, and that bloom?
Life turns pages of many shades and visions
Am I left in charge of making all decisions?
What is the choice but have faith in the above
Where is the line? The answer circles back to love.'
And now, looking back at that window where I hung, the ones facing me now come from the tall, glass windows of my living room where my tears have been far and in between while laughter has spread itself all around. Looking out onto a stormy, rainy, grey autumn day, I opened the old glass door to my Romeo, Juliet balcony window and looking up at the sky, it was as though the Lord smiled at me; I smiled widely back and heard my Protector tell me:
"Girl, what are you worried about?"
Have I managed to go through everything life has thrown at me with a stride, with one goal in mind: to find happiness? And have I reached that state? The state of joy where it's so high, nothing or no one can bring me down? All because I know what it's like to feel despair?
And now, a loving family I'm longing to see and friends ... Hah, friends more colourful and beautiful than any rainbow could possibly produce in tone or shine."
Back to the conversation with my Beautiful Lord, I knew he protected me, and there was nothing to fear or doubt. Life has been full of beautiful surprises all along; why should it change?
Sending you the biggest un-germed hug. Well, I have recovered from double flu (one after the other) and will be off tomorrow... Now, let's see where's calling... Mmm... Dakar, Senegal. Wow!
Let me add this now: this blog was meant to be posted three weeks ago! My trip to Senegal was... Pure Awesome. Will write soon. Very soon.
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