The first self-development course I attended was at 'Landmark Forum' where I put my hand up to answer the coach on why it was important for me to be there. This was on the first day, with an attendance of two hundred and eighty people in the room. At the end of my talk on the microphone, people came up to me and told me it took courage to stand up and talk about my life; and how they could relate to my story.
It was as my mother had told me, everyone had some issue they needed to resolve. Whilst I thought that, by standing up and pouring my heart out, I was worried that so many people would begin to judge. God knows I did not want to make my husband look bad, although they had no clue as to who he was, this was about me getting to a higher state of happiness in my life.
Yet, by the second day, during lunchtime when we went to discuss the tasks set out by the coach, I realised barely anyone remembered my story! And yet there I was going through a roller-coaster of emotions, feeling almost guilty. It is amazing how issues we consider too important to be talked about can be of little real interest to anyone else. So why? Why live life according to what is dictated to us by others' expectations, as opposed to living freely with a kind heart.
Go beyond your limits... It is incredible how our body and mind adapt to our new way.
If there is anything that bothers you, don't sit sulking. Think of plans B and C. Make the changes necessary to be happy. I look around me, at a world where there can be a mother in Africa who is incapable of feeding her newborn due to lack of nutrition... Now that is a problem. Is there a problem in my life that cannot be solved one way or another? Not really. It has been my faith in God and his love and mercy, that have seen me through the difficult times to where I am now.
There were times in my marriage when I would crawl into a corner of the bathroom and pray to God: "But why? Why am I going through such hard times? Why don't you kill me, dear Lord. I don't know if I can take this misery any longer. But then, please don't think me ungrateful. I do know there's a reason why I'm going through this, you would not have me suffer like this unless there was a big lesson to be learned. I have every faith in you and I accept my destiny."
Truly in my heart, I believe we are here to learn. Then a bit like graduation day, either we have achieved the necessary grade and get our reward or we decide to opt-out and continue with our internal suffering.
Those times are well over now. I hope that I did learn my lessons in life well and continue to learn each and every day. I want to be free of the chitter-chatter in my mind which stops me from following my dreams.
Then came the second course I'd enrolled in because of the insights I'd gained from the first one. It ran for fourteen hours each day, from 9:00am to 23:30pm four days in a row. This time we had a lady speaker who was petite in size but boy did she have such power in her presence.
Through her talks, I decided to stop reading newspapers and watching the news. I realised how it put me down to see that even in the 21st Century, in spite of all the modern technology that is available to us, we humans are small-minded enough to create wars and have our people killed. The greed of mankind is limitless! And all the rest of the sad news upsets me to the point of madness. Why can we not put to better use some of the funds we use to destroy ourselves and simply help each other towards a kinder and friendlier world?
We kill chickens, cows, sheep, fish and so many other animals to feed ourselves yet there are activists who throw paint at women for wearing mink coats? Have your say, sure, and make people aware of how animals suffer to make that coat but, surely, going beyond that is a violation of someone else's rights?
On that particular course, we had to write down all the things that we had been moaning about and then sit in pairs repeating them over and over again, until we ourselves, got sick of hearing our voices complain. There were also physical exercises. Now, there was a gentleman of eighty-five years of age. Let me put this down in figures... Yes, 85, who joined in with the other eighty people in the group, and always with a smile. I observed him thinking, how amazing that at any age, we can learn and have hope in changing our ways and moving onto greener pastures; a better life!
It really is never too late. There is always time for improvement.
The other major lesson was to repeat: "I shall be impeccable with my words."
If I am honest with myself, there is no reason for not being so with everyone I meet.
Why lie? My line is "I don't do bullshit!" Simple. People have a tendency to make their own judgement anyway according to how they feel inside.
Francois, my therapist, used to tell me that everyone has their own map. We each see things inside our maps - what we have been taught; and learn from others' impacts and the places we have visited and so on.
Many years ago, before I separated, we went to dinner with three good girlfriends. Afterwards, we decided to play a game. Let us say the best and worst things we feel about each other. Oh oh... Now that was probably not the best game to play. Although one of us who I must add was more sensible opted out of the game, saying: "You are mad. What kind of game is that?"
One of my friends said I was superficial. Frankly, it was a shock to me and I am not one to get easily upset by criticism. Goodness knows I've had enough of that in my life. However, I really wanted to find out why my friend thought that of me. Could it be she felt that way about herself? And I am truly fond of this friend and I know (or looking back, I hoped) she felt the same way towards me. Sometimes we say things because of the way we feel inside. Like when we feel radiant and good; when we are in love; when everything is going our way; how we see good in everyone, too. Words can be so important and yet, we can say things which we don't mean because we are not feeling good inside. So they must be taken in context.
During the last years of marriage, I became stronger and decided that we could do with breaks from each other on trips with friends. As my sister, Hala, spent winters in the Caribbean I used to go visit her for two weeks of sunshine and sandy beaches. She had made lots of friends, mostly fab gay friends. The first time I went, we had dinner at Diba's, whose villa we stayed in and who happens to be one of the most amazing women I have met; a true lady at heart and in manners, after which, we decided to go to the only cool bar on the island at the time; The Love Shack. This was a hut in the middle of a parking lot. It was drizzling that night and we parked next to the place and ran into the open hut. It was Hala and her boyfriend, me and six gay friends. All great fun. I was wearing cream-fitted trousers with a lacey cream top. The music was playing so after the drinking at dinner, we emerged onto the dance floor. Tommy, a tall, thin American blonde who was an absolutely adorable queen with the greatest sense of humour, took my hand and we did the rock and roll as we turned and twisted. Then he put his hand on my back and said: "Honey, dip!"
I wasn't sure what he meant so looked puzzled. He continued on: "Honey, dip, dip." And his head nodding, made me understand that he wanted me to go back with my head, resting on his hand behind me. But, not quite realising that he would not be able to hold onto me, I went right back with one leg up, hoping he could support my weight!
The next thing I knew, I'd fallen right into the mud in my cream outfit with Tommy lying on top of me!
He got up and I looked up at the rest of the boys and my sister's open mouth. I couldn't stop roaring with laughter, lying on my back in the mud. All five pairs of hands came to my rescue and Tommy turned around and said: "Honey I said dip, not drop!"
That trip was the beginning of a great friendship to continue with Elliot and Pauly.
I hope you are smiling now... Take that smile with you everywhere you go and share it freely.
No comments:
Post a Comment